Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of RUM - A Review

As you all may know, I'm widely known for three things: my loud, abrasive, and brutally honest personality, my addiction to tattoos and punk rock, and most importantly, my drinking habits.

It has been said that I drink more than a fish, and that I'm like Bender from Futurama, meaning that I need alcohol to keep my body running, much like a car needs gasoline. I will not deny this statement, nor will I try to argue with the people who said it. I am, in fact, a great fan of the divine inebriation that comes with alcohol. It is what gives me purpose in life, no matter how sad that fact may be. However, I've been hearing a lot of slander about my good name and reputation lately when it comes to the type of alcohol I drink, and so I'm here to set the record straight.

What I've heard the most defamation about is my favorite rum, Sailor Jerry's Spiced Navy Rum. People have called this rum cheap, dirty, intolerable, unforgivable, and worst of all, NOT AS GOOD AS CAPTAIN MORGAN! Let me tell you something, folks. Captain FUCKING Morgan can suck on my tiny, stubby, pathetic Scottish dick. I've drank with the Captain before, and there's a reason why the enlisted don't mix with the officers: BECAUSE THE OFFICERS SUCK.

Seriously, Captain Morgan has all of two good products, CPT Morgan Private Stock and CPT Morgan 100 Proof. Private Stock is a good rum made predominantly for sipping straight off the rocks, though still mixable without ruining it's good flavor. 100 Proof is good for someone who doesn't want to settle for the normal 80-86 proof you get with most normal spirits. However, there's no middle ground. Normal Captain can't compare to the taste of Private Stock [and PS is rather hard to find in most bars worth their salt], and 100 Proof has too much alcohol for the novice drinker, normally resulting in behavior one would only engage in under the influence of Everclear, Bacardi 151, or Ol' Grandad. That's where Sailor Jerry comes in.

It is the perfect rum for today's generation of future alcoholics. Weighing in at a hardy 92 proof, it is strong enough for the seasoned bar rat to get a good buzz off of, and mild enough for the novice drinker to partake and still have a good time without worrying about making an embarrassing decision [provided they know how to hold their liquor and/or are drinking responsibly and not like a dumbass freshman at a frat kegger]. Like Private Stock, it's very smooth and tastes great on it's own, but is also very diverse in it's mixability. Vanilla and cherry are the predominant flavors in this sea-farin' grog, while hints of cinnamon give it a little kick at the end. [Hint: Mix some Sailor J with cherry-vanilla Dr. Pepper. It's like drinking an orgasm].

However, there is one other part of the Sailor Jerry experience that I've left out of the other spots where I've posted this great review, and that's the drunk that comes with it. When you decide to crack open a bottle of this potent brew, you're making a commitment. Much like marriage, or agreeing to not fuck your friend's hot little sister, this is not a deal you can walk away from, because once you've taken that first sip, you're on board and heading away from port.

Sailors are notorious for being loud, rowdy, violent drunks who love to womanize and make bad decisions. Sailor Jerry makes you believe you're a sailor, or a pirate, or just a complete bad ass. WARNING: YOU ARE NOT ANY ONE OF THOSE THINGS [Unless you're in the US Navy], SO DON'T TRY ANYTHING STUPID. There's a reason that Norman Collins drew up a tattoo design featuring a pint bottle of rum and the words A SAILORS RUIN. Much like taking a ride on the infamous Night Train, the Sailor Jerry experience is one in a million.

All in all, when it comes down to it, Sailor Jerry is probably the best bang for your buck. At an affordable $15 a bottle [give or take tax prices], this is a rum that can and will ensure you have a good night. Whether you're out at the bars, having a few cocktails with friends, or drinking straight out of the bottle in an effort to be a pirate, you can't go wrong with Sailor Jerry. So, go out, buy a bottle, and give it a shot. As Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins would say, "My work speaks for itself."

Ideas for my stand up routine

-UFC being the closest thing to gay sex in public

-Douchebag bros and sorostitutes

-People who wear TAP OUT gear

-Dave Matthews Band

-My drunk escapades

-I CAME ON YOUR BREAKFAST PLATES!

-Kilts

-Karaoke whores

-My relationship failures

-Sex in the woods

-Tattoos

Ranting again.

I'm gonna say this once, and only once. If you have some criticism, go ahead and throw it my way. However, I will have my opinion, I will express my opinion strongly, and I probably do not care if what I say hurts your feelings. I know that I'm about to piss some people off, and I really don't care. I'm wearing my big boy boots. I can take it. That being said, LET'S GET DOWN TO IT!

First things first, people in relationships. STOP TELLING ME ABOUT HOW FUCKING HAPPY YOU ARE, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I realize that the point of a public forum is to say what's going on in your life. Cool. Inform away. However, when pretty much everything I read is about your amazing girlfriend/boyfriend/fuck toy, I have to wonder... DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE THAT ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING?! I mean, honestly. Is your life really so menial that you have to make sure that your significant other encompasses your entire universe? I applaud you for having a meaningful relationship, really, I do. Cool. You're happy. However, TALKING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER UP LIKE THEY'RE THE BEST THING SINCE JOHNNY CASH, THE RAMONES, DEEP DISH PIZZA, AND OLD STYLE IS REALLY FUCKING RETARDED! Seriously. It makes me want to punt a toddler off of a cliff, and I'm pretty sure you're doing WONDERS for all the single people and their self-esteem. I may be getting a little preachy and speaking for others, but honestly, you people are on the same level as Valentine's Day for me, and everyone knows how much I hate that day. So, do me a favor, and SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm glad you think whoever you're dating is the shit. I DON'T, so keep it to yourself. Unless they propose and you get engaged, no one cares, especially me. Thank you, and go fuck yourself.

Ok, here's a shorty. PEOPLE WHO BITCH AND BITCH AND DO NOTHING TO GET OUT OF SAID SHITTY SITUATION. Here's a good tip for you... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND STOP BITCHING! Guess what? Life sucks, get a helmet. Be proactive instead of reactive, because when your reactive skills are comprised of nothing but bitching, you get nothing done. Also, while I have your attention, kids, stop being drama whores, too. Seriously, some of you that I know refuse to get out of these shitty situations just so you have something to bitch about. That makes you both retarded, and a little pussy. Seriously, grow a pair and stop acting like the world is on your shoulders. You aren't Atlas. You have the power to change your situation, so just go ahead and do it instead of wasting all my precious air.

With all that being said, the same rules to the rants apply. If I piss you off, tell me. I'm not politically correct, nor do I care to be. I have no problem making you angry, and I have no problem being an asshole. It's what I do best, and I'll make sure to let you know that in person as well. Please, leave a comment, or send me a message. I don't care anymore, as long as I've made you think. That being said, have fun playing a nice game of Hide & Go Fuck Yourself.

Peace
Love
Unity
Scotch

Skinhead Dan

Bottle Of Wine, Fruit Of The Vine

I walked into Vic Pierce and there were cases of Cisco stacked on top of one another for sale. Surely times cannot be that dire in America where we're just handing out bum wine to people...

Bum wine is a double-edged sword, a beverage that giveth and taketh away in the same night. As a man who's been to the vineyard of ghetto wines and pissed all over it, I decided I was qualified enough to review all the bum wine out there.

The novice drinker should begin with MD 20/20, the old reliable Mad Dog. It has a lower alcohol content (12%) and a plethora of flavors like Orange Jubilee, Red Grape, and the ethnic favorite Bling Bling Raspberry complete with gold chain on the label. Mad Dog is a little smoother than most, so you can drink it longer before it makes you want to throw up in your mouth. There once was an article in the Cornell paper chronicling an attempt to drink three bottles of the stuff and it predictably ended in debacle. I find my behavior on this stuff to be a notch below retarded. Two thumbs up.

Now if you're a veteran bum, 12 percent just isn't doing it for you. You want a bum wine that goes above and beyond the call of drunkenness. You want something like Wild Irish Rose or Cisco.

Wild Irish Rose has only been consumed a few times in Ireland and has led directly to tragedies like Bloody Sunday and U2's rise to worldwide fame. It comes in several flavors and they all look and taste like embalming fluid. I hate this shit....it is strictly for bums.

The clerk at Cisco referred to it as a 'time travel' device, one minute you're drinking it and then next you're waking up in the future. Cisco comes in a harmless-looking bottle straight out of 1993, but if you read it closely you will be warned that "THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER!"

Cisco is the strongest of bumwines in my humble estimate, topping out at a life-shortening 18 percent alcohol. I prefer the grape or aptly named 'red' flavors, though I'm sure I've killed off a lot of tastebuds in the few times I have sampled this monster.

For those seeking a more vintage experience, you can do no wrong with Thunderbird, the original homeless wine.

Most of this shit should only be consumed if you're actually homeless. But there is one bum wine amongst many that reigns supreme...the untameable wild beast that is Night Train. Had Night Train existed in ancient times, Virgil would have written odes to it. Made in Modesto, California according to strict purity codes in place since 1876, Night Train may in fact be the best three dollar transaction of your entire life.

It's the perfect companion to any social gathering. Talk about a conversation piece...once you get them to sample a little of this nectar of the gods they'll either become your best friend or will shun you for life.