As you all may know, I'm widely known for three things: my loud, abrasive, and brutally honest personality, my addiction to tattoos and punk rock, and most importantly, my drinking habits.
It has been said that I drink more than a fish, and that I'm like Bender from Futurama, meaning that I need alcohol to keep my body running, much like a car needs gasoline. I will not deny this statement, nor will I try to argue with the people who said it. I am, in fact, a great fan of the divine inebriation that comes with alcohol. It is what gives me purpose in life, no matter how sad that fact may be. However, I've been hearing a lot of slander about my good name and reputation lately when it comes to the type of alcohol I drink, and so I'm here to set the record straight.
What I've heard the most defamation about is my favorite rum, Sailor Jerry's Spiced Navy Rum. People have called this rum cheap, dirty, intolerable, unforgivable, and worst of all, NOT AS GOOD AS CAPTAIN MORGAN! Let me tell you something, folks. Captain FUCKING Morgan can suck on my tiny, stubby, pathetic Scottish dick. I've drank with the Captain before, and there's a reason why the enlisted don't mix with the officers: BECAUSE THE OFFICERS SUCK.
Seriously, Captain Morgan has all of two good products, CPT Morgan Private Stock and CPT Morgan 100 Proof. Private Stock is a good rum made predominantly for sipping straight off the rocks, though still mixable without ruining it's good flavor. 100 Proof is good for someone who doesn't want to settle for the normal 80-86 proof you get with most normal spirits. However, there's no middle ground. Normal Captain can't compare to the taste of Private Stock [and PS is rather hard to find in most bars worth their salt], and 100 Proof has too much alcohol for the novice drinker, normally resulting in behavior one would only engage in under the influence of Everclear, Bacardi 151, or Ol' Grandad. That's where Sailor Jerry comes in.
It is the perfect rum for today's generation of future alcoholics. Weighing in at a hardy 92 proof, it is strong enough for the seasoned bar rat to get a good buzz off of, and mild enough for the novice drinker to partake and still have a good time without worrying about making an embarrassing decision [provided they know how to hold their liquor and/or are drinking responsibly and not like a dumbass freshman at a frat kegger]. Like Private Stock, it's very smooth and tastes great on it's own, but is also very diverse in it's mixability. Vanilla and cherry are the predominant flavors in this sea-farin' grog, while hints of cinnamon give it a little kick at the end. [Hint: Mix some Sailor J with cherry-vanilla Dr. Pepper. It's like drinking an orgasm].
However, there is one other part of the Sailor Jerry experience that I've left out of the other spots where I've posted this great review, and that's the drunk that comes with it. When you decide to crack open a bottle of this potent brew, you're making a commitment. Much like marriage, or agreeing to not fuck your friend's hot little sister, this is not a deal you can walk away from, because once you've taken that first sip, you're on board and heading away from port.
Sailors are notorious for being loud, rowdy, violent drunks who love to womanize and make bad decisions. Sailor Jerry makes you believe you're a sailor, or a pirate, or just a complete bad ass. WARNING: YOU ARE NOT ANY ONE OF THOSE THINGS [Unless you're in the US Navy], SO DON'T TRY ANYTHING STUPID. There's a reason that Norman Collins drew up a tattoo design featuring a pint bottle of rum and the words A SAILORS RUIN. Much like taking a ride on the infamous Night Train, the Sailor Jerry experience is one in a million.
All in all, when it comes down to it, Sailor Jerry is probably the best bang for your buck. At an affordable $15 a bottle [give or take tax prices], this is a rum that can and will ensure you have a good night. Whether you're out at the bars, having a few cocktails with friends, or drinking straight out of the bottle in an effort to be a pirate, you can't go wrong with Sailor Jerry. So, go out, buy a bottle, and give it a shot. As Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins would say, "My work speaks for itself."
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