Bottle Of Wine, Fruit Of The Vine

I walked into Vic Pierce and there were cases of Cisco stacked on top of one another for sale. Surely times cannot be that dire in America where we're just handing out bum wine to people...

Bum wine is a double-edged sword, a beverage that giveth and taketh away in the same night. As a man who's been to the vineyard of ghetto wines and pissed all over it, I decided I was qualified enough to review all the bum wine out there.

The novice drinker should begin with MD 20/20, the old reliable Mad Dog. It has a lower alcohol content (12%) and a plethora of flavors like Orange Jubilee, Red Grape, and the ethnic favorite Bling Bling Raspberry complete with gold chain on the label. Mad Dog is a little smoother than most, so you can drink it longer before it makes you want to throw up in your mouth. There once was an article in the Cornell paper chronicling an attempt to drink three bottles of the stuff and it predictably ended in debacle. I find my behavior on this stuff to be a notch below retarded. Two thumbs up.

Now if you're a veteran bum, 12 percent just isn't doing it for you. You want a bum wine that goes above and beyond the call of drunkenness. You want something like Wild Irish Rose or Cisco.

Wild Irish Rose has only been consumed a few times in Ireland and has led directly to tragedies like Bloody Sunday and U2's rise to worldwide fame. It comes in several flavors and they all look and taste like embalming fluid. I hate this shit....it is strictly for bums.

The clerk at Cisco referred to it as a 'time travel' device, one minute you're drinking it and then next you're waking up in the future. Cisco comes in a harmless-looking bottle straight out of 1993, but if you read it closely you will be warned that "THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER!"

Cisco is the strongest of bumwines in my humble estimate, topping out at a life-shortening 18 percent alcohol. I prefer the grape or aptly named 'red' flavors, though I'm sure I've killed off a lot of tastebuds in the few times I have sampled this monster.

For those seeking a more vintage experience, you can do no wrong with Thunderbird, the original homeless wine.

Most of this shit should only be consumed if you're actually homeless. But there is one bum wine amongst many that reigns supreme...the untameable wild beast that is Night Train. Had Night Train existed in ancient times, Virgil would have written odes to it. Made in Modesto, California according to strict purity codes in place since 1876, Night Train may in fact be the best three dollar transaction of your entire life.

It's the perfect companion to any social gathering. Talk about a conversation piece...once you get them to sample a little of this nectar of the gods they'll either become your best friend or will shun you for life.