History and Cinema: Why they don't mix.

Over the past decade, Americans have been subjected to an onslaught of so-called “historical” movies that recount epic warriors and courageous leaders of a time long past. They celebrate the births of civilizations and the bravery of greatly out-numbered soldiers facing odds that are stacked against them through the use of computer-generated imagery, flashy special effects, and overly-gory scenes of battles en masse. However, the biggest weapon that the production companies use against the uneducated masses is our lack of knowledge about the truth of these wars and epic heroes. Instead, the truth is buried beneath a mountain of falsely created romantically-driven storylines, deified generals, kings, and conquerors, and broad views and speculations on what could have happened.

Henceforth, our “new and improved” version of history begs the question: WHY? Why do we choose to take documented historical facts and embellish them with images of shining virtuous people, forbidden romantic trysts, and overly gory battle scenes that are ripe with gruesome images, fantastical sword play, and things that do not belong in the movie’s time line? Because it makes it more entertaining for the viewer, that’s why. Let’s take a look at a few prime examples of fairly recent movies that got major hype in the Hollywood universe.

We start our dissection of these high-definition historical docudramas with the prehistoric 10,000 B.C. Set in, obviously, 10,000 BC; the story revolves around a young warrior named D’Leh who belongs to a tribe of mammoth hunters. When a group of unknown horse-backed warriors raid his tribe’s camp, lay waste to his people, and kidnap many of the other members of his tribe along the “love of his life,” Evolet, he proceeds to lead a small band of hunters in pursuit of the warriors to rescue her. The chase ends when D’Leh and his group find the fortress of the mysterious warlords, fortress being the operative term. They find that the men are using man-power and domesticated mammoths to build pyramids. Desperate to save his love, D’Leh stages a coup d’ etat, toppling the burgeoning civilization, releasing the mammoths on a rampage through the city, and rescuing his love. Hollywood at its finest. So, let’s look at the gross historical inaccuracies that Roland Emmerich felt necessary to make his film more “realistic.”

First off, we look at the opening scene of the mammoth hunters doing what they’ve dedicated their lives to doing: hunting mammoths. While mostly accurate with the chase and the actual kill, one thing truly stands out: the hunters crawling on their bellies through the grass in between the unsuspecting mammoths. While most people would figure that this is entirely true, mammoths were shown to have a highly developed olfactory lobe, giving them a great sense of smell. Not only would they’ve smelled the hunters as soon as they’d gotten close, they surely wouldn’t have ignored them. No. They would’ve trampled them, tried to gore them, et cetera. So, here’s Mr. Emmerich’s first mistake.

The next one made pertains to the beast that graces the cover of the DVD: Smilodon Populator, known more famously as the Sabre-Toothed Tiger. Now, while these big cats did go extinct around 10,000 BC, they were not as large as the movie portrays them to be. The largest specimen of these big cats was measure to be about 4 feet at the shoulders, making them the size of a large African lion. However, in the movie, you see that the specimen they create is nearly 7 feet at the shoulder, and looks to be close to 18 feet long. Either Mr. Kitty was on steroids, always ate his Wheaties for breakfast, or like the Velociraptors in Jurassic Park, was just embellished to make the movie more interesting.

Another big mistake is the geography and behavior of all the animals in the film. Considering that the film is presumably set in Northeast Africa/ Mesopotamia, there is no way that Smilodon, mammoths, or Diatryma (the large “Terror Birds”) would have posed any threat to D’Leh and his tribe. For one, Smilodon’s species and the mammoths were found in North and South America, so the trek to Africa must have been one hell of a commute. Also, the Diatryma were native almost exclusively to South America, though specimens have been found in parts of Europe and North America. Once again, an animal that doesn’t belong.

A huge misconception is the talk of the bull mammoth leading the herd. Modern day elephant herds are lead strictly by a matriarchy; the bulls are kicked out once they’ve matured and don’t have any interaction with the cows until mating season. Scientists are fairly certain it was the same things with mammoths and mastodons. The biggest glaring historical misconception, however, is the horse-backed warlords. Horses were not exploited for human use until at least 4,000 BC and were commonly hunted and eaten at this stage of history, meaning that either these men were from an extremely advanced civilization, or they’re time-travelers. If Emmerich’s goal was to be historically accurate, he failed miserably.

Finally, when it comes to glaring mistakes, four things stand out. First, the use of domesticated mammoths to help build the pyramids by hauling large stone blocks with the help of some sort of man-made harness. At this point in time, no other animals besides dogs and goats were known to be domesticated. Not only that, but domesticating what was the largest land mammal of this era to build pyramids? Highly unlikely and improbable. Maybe very slightly possible, but highly improbable. Continuing along the same vein of thought, the construction of pyramids and any major cities the size of what’s portrayed in the film was documented, at the earliest, 5,000-3,000 BC. Once again, something that wouldn’t have existed at this time.

Another example of ignored historical fact comes from the presence of sailboats going up and down what is presumably the Nile River. The earliest known ships were papyrus reed boats built by the Egyptians about 4000 B.C. The Greeks and Phoenicians didn't begin trading by ship until around 1200 B.C. Ships with the triangular sail design did not appear until the 17th Century AD. Ships, if you could call them ships, were just crude log rafts or dug-out canoes during this time period. So, how exactly were there wooden sailboats/schooners/ships in Africa in the time period of 10,000 BC?! It makes no sense at all, other than to give more evidence to an unknown technologically advanced race, or promoting my theory on time-traveling Vikings. Personally, I like the idea of time-traveling Vikings because it would be pretty awesome, but let’s face facts… Oh, wait, I don’t want to face facts. I want explosions, loin clothes, and insanely big saber-tooth tigers.

Finally, the last, and probably most important and prominent mistake, is the metallurgy portrayed in the film. Not only do the riders have Viking-styled helmets (again, technology that didn’t even exist at this time), but they, along with their compatriots in the pyramid-city, carried what appeared to be steel swords. Steel wasn’t even an idea in anyone’s head during this time period! Granted, while copper weapons may have been around at this point, the earliest, and tentatively speculated, appearance of copper weapons is 7,500 BC, much later than what is portrayed. The earliest known bronze weapons were said to have appeared around 3,500 BC, and iron extraction from ore wasn’t discovered until around 1,200 BC. Once again, we either have time-traveling Vikings or a race that is way too advanced that our experts haven’t discovered yet, but Roland Emmerich seems to have had no problem digging up.

Given just a small glimpse into the myriad of historical inaccuracies that run rampant in 10,000 B.C., it is pretty easy to say that, while not based on any true story, the director definitely took the liberty of taking what he believed was the coolest, most entertaining parts of prehistory and early civilization and mashed them together into one big, hour and a half long box office success that probably should’ve gone straight to DVD, or at least ended up in a bargain bin somewhere. Why? Because, while critics harshly trashed it and put Emmerich in his place, the general public said, “OOH! SHINY! LOOK! A FUZZY ELEPHANT!” and came flocking in droves. This leads me into another box office hit full of historical lies and probably homosexual body-builders who wore nothing but Spandex man-thongs, capes, and leather skirts. Yes. I am indeed talking about 300.

300, which is based on Frank Miller’s graphic novel of the same title, is the story of King Leonidas and the battle of Thermopylae. While it was completely stunning with amazing special effects, spectacular combat scenes, and phrases that became catchy for college frat-boys everywhere (THIS… IS… SPARTA!), it also took the story of Leonidas and his Spartans, examined it, and said, “Nah, we gotta spice this sucker up so the people will love it! It’s not amazing enough already, we need to beef it up with six-packs, Spandex, and ninjas.” And thus, an abomination of history is born.

First, let’s look at the Spartan lifestyle. Yes, it is true that babies were judged at birth, and if they had so much as a single slight deformity, they were brought to a hill outside the city, speared through the hands and feet to the ground so they couldn’t move, and were left exposed to the elements, though they usually just bled out. No giant pits of baby skeletons inside the city walls. Our first example of truth being turned to fiction to make the Spartans seem more hardcore. Next is the right of passage that all Spartan boys underwent on their journey to becoming men. Yes, they were schooled in combat, forced to sleep outside unprotected and unclothed in the winter months in a martial education known as the agoge, but instead of killing animals, they were made to kill helots (Greeks from smaller city-states that were forced into slavery) in a rite called the Crypteia. However, future kings, like Leonidas, would’ve been exempt from this ritual. Due to our lack of knowledge on Leonidas’ history, making up a back story is understandable, but not essential to the plot.

Continuing on this same thought is the character of Ephialtes, the Greek who betrayed the Spartan warriors to Xerxes and the Persian army. Portrayed in the movie as a grotesque hunchback who is rejected due to his inability to lift his shield high enough to participate in the hoplite fighting style and the phalanx maneuver, as well as the fact that he is, in accordance to Spartan standards, an undesirable warrior. The fact that he is even alive doesn’t work with the Spartan tradition of infanticide. However, according to historians, Ephialtes was not even a Greek. Instead, he was a perfectly healthy North African from the country of Mali, making his transformation just another way to thicken the plot with some hints of betrayal through revenge that was spurned by his rejection from his fellow countrymen.

Another interesting concept and visual tool used in the movie was the Spartan’s mode of dress. Much like comic book heroes, they are shown charging fearlessly into battle, brandishing nothing but swords, spears, and six-pack abs, while the Greeks are portrayed as heavily armored, but fearful and retreating at the first sign of over-whelming odds. In reality, it was quite the opposite. Spartans are highly regarded as some of the best warriors in history, and are depicted in many ancient pictures and statues as being heavily armored, much like the Legionnaires of Rome. While the highly romantic idea of Spartan men fearlessly charging into battle wearing next to nothing against their heavily-armored opponents is visually appealing, it’s also completely idiotic and no military commander of that era would’ve fought in such a style. It would have been nothing but a suicide mission at the very best. This shows how the directors worked to appeal to our concepts of heroism. A lack of armor made the Spartans seem to be superheroes, and was highly sexual and romantic while portraying the Spartans as strictly heterosexual.

This also brings up another good example of inaccuracies within the film. While Xerxes, the Persian king, was portrayed with highly homosexual imagery and suggestion, the Spartans were shown to be the epitome of masculinity and heterosexuality. However, it was a common Spartan practice for the soldiers to engage in sexual intercourse with their fellow man. This creates an underlying sexual tension between Leonidas and Xerxes. What it would portray to the viewer was a classic film example of good and evil. The protagonist was extremely fit, had a wife and child, and was fully heterosexual. On the other side of the spectrum was the antagonist, Xerxes. He was shown not to be married, freakishly tall, indulged in sin, and was a “closet” homosexual. For those that picked up on the references of homosexuality in Xerxes, the fight would have an underlying purpose of the superhuman, heterosexual Leonidas warding off the freakish, homosexual Xerxes.

Speaking of Xerxes, let’s talk about his army! The Persian army is portrayed as an army of monsters, ranging from Kabuki-faced warriors that bear a striking similarity to Japanese ninja, grotesque giants that are seemingly impervious to sword, spear, or arrow while reminding one of a creature from a George Romero film, to giant armored elephants and rhinoceros. While it was very true that Xerxes would use the armies of his conquered territories to wage his wars, it was the portrayal and stereotypical nature of these armies that created inaccuracy in the film. The “immortals” who attacked the Spartans on the second day of the battle were made to look like early versions of the Japanese ninja, and were claimed in the movie to have been recruited from the continent of Asia, wore metal masks that hid their faces, and wielded dual shortswords similar to the Japanese wakizashis. Historically, the Immortals were actually of Persian descent, wore cloth masks to keep debris out of their faces during battle, bore wicker shields, short swords, spears, and a bow. Then of course, there was also the Persian “uber-immortal,” massive in size, and is virtually invincible. No doubt such a being could not exist in reality, especially one given the title of the Persian’s most powerful fighting force.

The Spartans in the movie for a short period held a very fortified line against the Persians trying to advance, before breaking into an all-out frenzy of intense man-on-man combat. In reality, the Spartans engaged in no such combat. The Spartans and Greeks formed in a standard phalanx formation, and stood shoulder to shoulder in a hoplite fashion, rotating constantly to prevent fatigue of those in the
front. A large portion of this formation was actually occupied by the Athenians.

In the movie, it is during this point in time where the phalanx formation is being used that Leonidas allows the Greeks a taste of the action. The Greeks attempt to hold off the Persians, but fail miserably, and end up retreating and giving up the battle. In reality, many Greeks did retreat during the battle, but roughly seven hundred Greeks stood with the Spartans, and like the Spartans, every one of them died in the end.

Next, let’s look at the portrayal of the Greek military in the film. In the film, the Greeks were considered to be a lesser form of warrior than the Spartans, almost being cast into the shadows. Whereas the movie portrayed the Spartans as being God-like, having perfect forms, excellent fighting styles, and no fear whatsoever, the Athenians were quite the opposite. They were shown to be average in physique; their strategies very disorganized, and were in a constant state of fear for their own lives. In the movie, the Greeks were only given a chance to fight when Leonidas saw fit, and only to give them a taste of the “glory” that the Spartans believed to be their right as the proudest and fiercest warriors in the land. Later on, the Greeks fled in fear of their own lives at the sight of the seemingly endless number of Persians up against them. Historically, there were around an overall seven thousand Greeks present at the battle, and nearly a thousand died alongside the Spartans during the last stand on the third day.

In the end of the movie, Dilios, one of Leonidas’ close friends, is sent back to Sparta to convey the events of the battle, and to rally support. In the very last scene, it shows the Spartan military gearing up for what would be the Battle of Plataea. What the film fails to talk about is the fact that while this battle was going on, the Athenians were fighting a very similar naval battle, in an attempt to drive back Xerxes’ naval forces. Upon the defeat of the Greek army on shore, the naval forces retreated, only to defeat the Persian naval fleet soon after at Salamis. The film’s failure to speak of the naval battle only serves to strengthen the notion that the Athenians were helpless without the aid of the Spartans and their “superior” military might.

Looking back on what we’ve reviewed, we can easily see what the entertainment industry thinks that we as movie-goers would like to see. We want explosions, epic battles, men who are chiseled from stone and wear Spandex thongs, big scary monsters, and complete ignorance towards historic facts. Hollywood has put so much glamour into these so-called historic movies to make them more visually appealing or to create a better story that they ignore a grand majority of all the facts. I wish I could say that I was lying, and that I didn’t find the evidence, but I’m not going to kid myself. All I have to say is thank you, Hollywood, for ruining history for me. In the years to come, when people watch these movies, after books are outlawed so we can learn history from the shiny television box, I’ll make sure to spin a few times in my grave for the crimes committed against the epic heroes of our past.

If you want more examples of rampant historical inaccuracy in modern films, check out such films as Braveheart, Rob Roy, Kingdom Of Heaven, Gladiator, Troy, Michael Collins, Spartacus, From Hell, and many others that have come out within the past 30 years. Watch them, then do your research, and I’m sure that you, like me, will be most assuredly disappointed.

Nature: A Definition

What is nature? In the simplest of terms, nature is exactly what you make it. Nature can be out in the Badlands of South Dakota, Michigan Avenue in Chicago, the Boundary Waters of Minnesota, or Times Square in New York City. From a single tree planted on the sidewalk to the vast forests that cover parts of the country, nature is everywhere. It’s inside every single life form on this planet. Hell, we’re not too different from animals, even though we like to pretend we are. What happens when a dog or cat senses something it doesn’t like? The hair on its back and neck stand up. Does not the same thing happen to humans?

I think of nature and of human nature, and how they relate to one another, and see many things within humans that I see within nature as well. It’s almost scary, to be honest. However, human nature, and nature itself, have some very different practices. Kathleen Moore states, “Our temptation is to design arrogant policies and make dubious decisions, and then we end up doing up doing to the natural world what ticks do to us, except that ticks have the good grace to drop off when their stomachs are full.” Sadly, her words ring forth with the chimes of beautiful, brutal honesty. In nature, we see harmony, balance, symbiosis, and natural solutions to any problems within the balance. Somehow, humans messed up along the way. Moore sums up fairly well by saying, “Shit happens, we say. And sometimes it does. But the fact of the matter is that sometimes, shit doesn’t just happen. Sometimes, human beings deliberately create the conditions under which shit is more likely to occur.” Nature always finds a way. It takes humans a little longer and a bit more heartache to figure that lesson out.

Nature is not just a physical state of the world, nor is it an almighty entity that laughs at our frail human mortality. Nature is a powerful force, capable of sustaining fragile lives one minute and sending the strongest of creatures to their deaths in the next. Nature has a way of knowing when it’s been hurt, when to heal its wounds, and when to reclaim what rightfully belongs to it. In The Pine Island Paradox, Moore relates a story about how she and her husband pay to have a dam on their property demolished, only to find that the demolition did more harm than good. They set out to finish the job themselves, and at first, the Marys River sluggishly reacts. However, when she reflects on it ten years later, Nature has healed itself and found a way to make things work. She does state that “an earth that is at once functionally forgiving and thunderously vengeful raises all the familiar questions of redemption and remorse. When it comes to the earth, can there be redemption in good works?” Yes, there can be redemption, and there almost always is.

Another person who seems to understand this balance that I keep getting on about is Scott Russell Sanders. In Sanctuary, he states, “From the clustering of galaxies to the spinning of quarks, we find an intricate order whose laws we may decipher but cannot alter.” Humans always tell tales of ‘blazing trails into the untamed wilderness’ and brag about their apparently ability to domesticate nature, but they seem to enjoy living in their blissful ignorance. We can shape the land to fit our needs. We can make trails and portages, farmlands, and cities, but if we left it alone for an extended period of time, Nature would come back to claim what rightfully belongs to it. As I stated before, Nature is not a dog or an ox, a creature that can be tamed and forced to bend to the will of man. Nature is a wild beast, and will not hesitate to lash out and attack when we go too far.

So, what is nature? Do I actually have a good final summation, an answer that you’ll actually like? Probably not, but I can try. Thoreau says that humans need wildness like a garden needs nourishing muck in order to flourish, and I can agree. We live in symbiosis with nature, constantly playing off of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We are also constantly engaged in a fierce battle for dominance with each other, constantly trying to outdo the opposing force in a futile attempt to reign supreme over them with an air of triumph and false hope that the victor shall stay dominant in this relationship. But, inevitably, there will be another challenge, and the fight will begin anew, and will stay that way until one side finally wipes the other out and condemns itself in the process.

Nature is everything that shapes our world. Be it a tiny mouse in the walls of an apartment building or a mammoth blue whale swimming in the open oceans, Nature is everywhere. It is everything that we want to be, and everything that we are. It lives, dies, and is reborn constantly. It is a vicious circle, and a circle of life. You ask, what is nature? I say, decide for yourself.

Singing Sweet Home Wautoma All Summer Long

Hey kids,













So, here's the deal. I'm living at my lakehouse in Wautoma for an unknown amount of time. Originally, I was only going to be living here until November, but somehow, work opportunities just keep rolling in for Jimmy and I. Oh, yeah, I forgot that. Jimmy's living up here in Wautoma with me, and we're working the same jobs. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing to be living with and working with your best friend. I dare you to find something that compares to what I'm doing right now.

I know most of you have heard me talk about Wautoma and the lakehouse, and most of you are probably sick of hearing about it. However, the thing that no one understands is that this is my escape from the world. Don't get me wrong; I love my friends, my family, and my lifestyle, but nothing compares to what Wautoma has always offered me. Sure, there may not be a whole mess of women for me to hit on, or the comforts of living in a bigger city, but all of that is completely irrelevant here. Out here, I can smoke in a bar. I can go out to a bar and get drunk on less than $20. I can go into a quiet little dive that has a pool table and Johnny Cash on the jukebox without having to worry about getting bothered by some bro douchebag and his sorostitute girlfriend because I don't look the norm, or because I'm "hogging the pool table," or because I put my "shit music" on the jukebox. I can breathe a little easier, lay on my back and look at the stars, and take a canoe on the lake so I can fish to my heart's content without someone telling me to get off my ass and do something productive. Yard work isn't a chore anymore; instead, it's just another way to kick back and relax. Grilling is an everyday activity that never gets old, and no matter how cheap the beer is, it always tastes better after a hard day's graft.

This is my happy place. This is the place I envision whenever I need to be cheered up. This is the only place in the world where my depression can never get to me or bring me down. I can put my feet on my table, crack open a cold beer, and just set back to watch the sun set over the lake. There's no drama with women, no strife with my family. It's just pure, unadulterated RELAXATION.

For those of you that I left back home, I will miss you, and I'll make sure to visit a couple times before I move back home. Until then, beannachd le, and make sure to have a drink for me, ok? Until then, best wishes from Jimmy and I!

Peace
Love
Unity
Scotch

Skinhead Dan

New and Improved RANT! Now with 10% more venom and hatred for humanity!

Ok, fucksticks, I'm back. Time for yet another rant, because obviously my attempts to kill my liver aren't working and it's apparently illegal for me to round all of you up and beat you like red-headed step-children. Seriously, you need more productive lives like a hooker needed a father-figure in her youth.

First off, PEOPLE WHO KEEP BITCHING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS VIA YOUR STATUS UPDATES! STOP IT! You are seriously the laziest fucking people I've had the displeasure of knowing, and if I knew how to delete people off my Facebook, I would just so I didn't feel like pulling my eyes out of my own skull with a spork. If you're in a relationship, and it's not going too well, and all your attempts to fix your relationship have failed, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING RELATIONSHIP! It's not that hard! Common sense [and I know most of you lack it] dictates that if you know why you're not happy, and you can see the solution to making yourself happy, you should take that solution, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

O. Instead, you spam Facebook with these desperate attempts for attention by either talking shit about your insignificant other, or by putting up music videos, and quizzes, and bumper stickers, and all the other shit that you can find that lets the world know YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. Guess what? Grow the fuck up and stop being a little pansy. Hell, I know I'm not the happiest person, but I know how to make myself happy, and get rid of the negative influences in my life. Stop being a little bitch, and grow a fucking pair.

Next on the list is the assholes who show up on Dollar Beer nights and act like everyone should know their fucking names. Guess what? It's Dollar Beer Night, and I don't care if you're a regular. Unless you're the owner, the bouncer who wants to kick my ass, or the bartender who is getting me my beer, go the fuck away, and stay out of my conversations. I'm out to enjoy my crappy beer, have a few laughs with my friends, and enjoy a nice night out. Instead, you assholes either randomly insert yourselves into MY conversations to talk about bro-douchebaggery that no one cares about, or you just stare at me from across the bar because either 1) The women I'm hanging with are hotter than yours, 2) Because I have tattoos and a personality, or 3) Because my friends and I aren't plastered in name-brands and designer clothing because we have some dignity left and aren't complete corporate whores. So, here's the deal. Either shut the fuck up and quit staring at me and my friends, or grow a pair and throw a punch. Either way, I win. Douche bags.

Last on my list is people who keep talking me like I'm their best friend, I owe them something or I've majorly wronged them. Guess what? I'm not going to apologize. I apologize to someone that I've truly wronged, and trust me, those people know who they are because I've actively sought them out to make my peace with them. Other than that, if I said something to you or did something to you, you probably fucking deserved it. Same to the effect of people acting like they're my best friend and we're all tight and shit. Get over yourself. I have some close friends, and only three best friends. Other than that, you're a casual acquaintance that I mostly enjoy the company of. If I have only hung out with you a couple times, that doesn't make us best buddies. If I constantly call you to hang out with me, or to go out and have some fun, that makes us close friends. If you don't fit those categories, you're just a friend, or a casual acquaintance, so stop overcompensating. There's a reason I never call you, and it's a damned good one. YOU GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES.

Welp, I'm out. I hate all of you, you're the reason I drink, yadda yadda yadda.

Peace
Love
Unity
Scotch

Skinhead Dan

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of RUM - A Review

As you all may know, I'm widely known for three things: my loud, abrasive, and brutally honest personality, my addiction to tattoos and punk rock, and most importantly, my drinking habits.

It has been said that I drink more than a fish, and that I'm like Bender from Futurama, meaning that I need alcohol to keep my body running, much like a car needs gasoline. I will not deny this statement, nor will I try to argue with the people who said it. I am, in fact, a great fan of the divine inebriation that comes with alcohol. It is what gives me purpose in life, no matter how sad that fact may be. However, I've been hearing a lot of slander about my good name and reputation lately when it comes to the type of alcohol I drink, and so I'm here to set the record straight.

What I've heard the most defamation about is my favorite rum, Sailor Jerry's Spiced Navy Rum. People have called this rum cheap, dirty, intolerable, unforgivable, and worst of all, NOT AS GOOD AS CAPTAIN MORGAN! Let me tell you something, folks. Captain FUCKING Morgan can suck on my tiny, stubby, pathetic Scottish dick. I've drank with the Captain before, and there's a reason why the enlisted don't mix with the officers: BECAUSE THE OFFICERS SUCK.

Seriously, Captain Morgan has all of two good products, CPT Morgan Private Stock and CPT Morgan 100 Proof. Private Stock is a good rum made predominantly for sipping straight off the rocks, though still mixable without ruining it's good flavor. 100 Proof is good for someone who doesn't want to settle for the normal 80-86 proof you get with most normal spirits. However, there's no middle ground. Normal Captain can't compare to the taste of Private Stock [and PS is rather hard to find in most bars worth their salt], and 100 Proof has too much alcohol for the novice drinker, normally resulting in behavior one would only engage in under the influence of Everclear, Bacardi 151, or Ol' Grandad. That's where Sailor Jerry comes in.

It is the perfect rum for today's generation of future alcoholics. Weighing in at a hardy 92 proof, it is strong enough for the seasoned bar rat to get a good buzz off of, and mild enough for the novice drinker to partake and still have a good time without worrying about making an embarrassing decision [provided they know how to hold their liquor and/or are drinking responsibly and not like a dumbass freshman at a frat kegger]. Like Private Stock, it's very smooth and tastes great on it's own, but is also very diverse in it's mixability. Vanilla and cherry are the predominant flavors in this sea-farin' grog, while hints of cinnamon give it a little kick at the end. [Hint: Mix some Sailor J with cherry-vanilla Dr. Pepper. It's like drinking an orgasm].

However, there is one other part of the Sailor Jerry experience that I've left out of the other spots where I've posted this great review, and that's the drunk that comes with it. When you decide to crack open a bottle of this potent brew, you're making a commitment. Much like marriage, or agreeing to not fuck your friend's hot little sister, this is not a deal you can walk away from, because once you've taken that first sip, you're on board and heading away from port.

Sailors are notorious for being loud, rowdy, violent drunks who love to womanize and make bad decisions. Sailor Jerry makes you believe you're a sailor, or a pirate, or just a complete bad ass. WARNING: YOU ARE NOT ANY ONE OF THOSE THINGS [Unless you're in the US Navy], SO DON'T TRY ANYTHING STUPID. There's a reason that Norman Collins drew up a tattoo design featuring a pint bottle of rum and the words A SAILORS RUIN. Much like taking a ride on the infamous Night Train, the Sailor Jerry experience is one in a million.

All in all, when it comes down to it, Sailor Jerry is probably the best bang for your buck. At an affordable $15 a bottle [give or take tax prices], this is a rum that can and will ensure you have a good night. Whether you're out at the bars, having a few cocktails with friends, or drinking straight out of the bottle in an effort to be a pirate, you can't go wrong with Sailor Jerry. So, go out, buy a bottle, and give it a shot. As Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins would say, "My work speaks for itself."

Ideas for my stand up routine

-UFC being the closest thing to gay sex in public

-Douchebag bros and sorostitutes

-People who wear TAP OUT gear

-Dave Matthews Band

-My drunk escapades

-I CAME ON YOUR BREAKFAST PLATES!

-Kilts

-Karaoke whores

-My relationship failures

-Sex in the woods

-Tattoos

Ranting again.

I'm gonna say this once, and only once. If you have some criticism, go ahead and throw it my way. However, I will have my opinion, I will express my opinion strongly, and I probably do not care if what I say hurts your feelings. I know that I'm about to piss some people off, and I really don't care. I'm wearing my big boy boots. I can take it. That being said, LET'S GET DOWN TO IT!

First things first, people in relationships. STOP TELLING ME ABOUT HOW FUCKING HAPPY YOU ARE, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I realize that the point of a public forum is to say what's going on in your life. Cool. Inform away. However, when pretty much everything I read is about your amazing girlfriend/boyfriend/fuck toy, I have to wonder... DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE THAT ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING?! I mean, honestly. Is your life really so menial that you have to make sure that your significant other encompasses your entire universe? I applaud you for having a meaningful relationship, really, I do. Cool. You're happy. However, TALKING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER UP LIKE THEY'RE THE BEST THING SINCE JOHNNY CASH, THE RAMONES, DEEP DISH PIZZA, AND OLD STYLE IS REALLY FUCKING RETARDED! Seriously. It makes me want to punt a toddler off of a cliff, and I'm pretty sure you're doing WONDERS for all the single people and their self-esteem. I may be getting a little preachy and speaking for others, but honestly, you people are on the same level as Valentine's Day for me, and everyone knows how much I hate that day. So, do me a favor, and SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm glad you think whoever you're dating is the shit. I DON'T, so keep it to yourself. Unless they propose and you get engaged, no one cares, especially me. Thank you, and go fuck yourself.

Ok, here's a shorty. PEOPLE WHO BITCH AND BITCH AND DO NOTHING TO GET OUT OF SAID SHITTY SITUATION. Here's a good tip for you... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND STOP BITCHING! Guess what? Life sucks, get a helmet. Be proactive instead of reactive, because when your reactive skills are comprised of nothing but bitching, you get nothing done. Also, while I have your attention, kids, stop being drama whores, too. Seriously, some of you that I know refuse to get out of these shitty situations just so you have something to bitch about. That makes you both retarded, and a little pussy. Seriously, grow a pair and stop acting like the world is on your shoulders. You aren't Atlas. You have the power to change your situation, so just go ahead and do it instead of wasting all my precious air.

With all that being said, the same rules to the rants apply. If I piss you off, tell me. I'm not politically correct, nor do I care to be. I have no problem making you angry, and I have no problem being an asshole. It's what I do best, and I'll make sure to let you know that in person as well. Please, leave a comment, or send me a message. I don't care anymore, as long as I've made you think. That being said, have fun playing a nice game of Hide & Go Fuck Yourself.

Peace
Love
Unity
Scotch

Skinhead Dan

Bottle Of Wine, Fruit Of The Vine

I walked into Vic Pierce and there were cases of Cisco stacked on top of one another for sale. Surely times cannot be that dire in America where we're just handing out bum wine to people...

Bum wine is a double-edged sword, a beverage that giveth and taketh away in the same night. As a man who's been to the vineyard of ghetto wines and pissed all over it, I decided I was qualified enough to review all the bum wine out there.

The novice drinker should begin with MD 20/20, the old reliable Mad Dog. It has a lower alcohol content (12%) and a plethora of flavors like Orange Jubilee, Red Grape, and the ethnic favorite Bling Bling Raspberry complete with gold chain on the label. Mad Dog is a little smoother than most, so you can drink it longer before it makes you want to throw up in your mouth. There once was an article in the Cornell paper chronicling an attempt to drink three bottles of the stuff and it predictably ended in debacle. I find my behavior on this stuff to be a notch below retarded. Two thumbs up.

Now if you're a veteran bum, 12 percent just isn't doing it for you. You want a bum wine that goes above and beyond the call of drunkenness. You want something like Wild Irish Rose or Cisco.

Wild Irish Rose has only been consumed a few times in Ireland and has led directly to tragedies like Bloody Sunday and U2's rise to worldwide fame. It comes in several flavors and they all look and taste like embalming fluid. I hate this shit....it is strictly for bums.

The clerk at Cisco referred to it as a 'time travel' device, one minute you're drinking it and then next you're waking up in the future. Cisco comes in a harmless-looking bottle straight out of 1993, but if you read it closely you will be warned that "THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER!"

Cisco is the strongest of bumwines in my humble estimate, topping out at a life-shortening 18 percent alcohol. I prefer the grape or aptly named 'red' flavors, though I'm sure I've killed off a lot of tastebuds in the few times I have sampled this monster.

For those seeking a more vintage experience, you can do no wrong with Thunderbird, the original homeless wine.

Most of this shit should only be consumed if you're actually homeless. But there is one bum wine amongst many that reigns supreme...the untameable wild beast that is Night Train. Had Night Train existed in ancient times, Virgil would have written odes to it. Made in Modesto, California according to strict purity codes in place since 1876, Night Train may in fact be the best three dollar transaction of your entire life.

It's the perfect companion to any social gathering. Talk about a conversation piece...once you get them to sample a little of this nectar of the gods they'll either become your best friend or will shun you for life.