Wednesday, March 31, 2010
My self help book
I'm going to write a one-page long self-help book. It will have a large, bright, flashy hardcover, and on the single lone page inside, it will have one sentence in the middle of the page in a large, bold font. It will say GET OVER IT.
Ok, it's about time I came back and actually wrote a rant about some shit that's been bugging me and bouncing around the back of my head. If any of you are offended by this, do me a favor. Play a nice game of hide & go fuck yourself. I don't give a flying fuck about your feelings or your opinions at the present moment, and I'm not likely to anytime soon.
First on the list is women. Not all women, of course. I won't make that kind of blanket statement, especially when I know that not everyone is guilty. So, if you feel like this applies to you, it probably does. Otherwise, just ignore it.
Now, ladies, I understand that you want equality, to be treated as equals, and to be able to do everything that a man can do. I fully support you in that, and will be behind every step of the way. However... MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS. You want me to be a gentleman? Ok, I will be, but don't make a big deal out of it and double-cross me by saying that I'm a chauvinist. Just because I go out of my way to do something that has been instilled in me since birth doesn't make me a bad person. If anything, it should be showing you that I truly do appreciate your contribution to our society, and that I respect you enough to treat you civilly and not smoothly maneuver my way into your undergarments. If I was really all about the sex, then I wouldn't treat you with respect and dignity. I'd probably just be a douchebag. But, I have standards, morals, and a sense of honor, and I don't. So, please stop assuming that I just want to fuck your pussy and nothing more. I do want to be just a friend, and sometimes I do wanna be more. Learn to read body language, or don't talk.
Secondly, ladies, I would humbly request that you stop jerking us men around. Just because I have honor and morals does not mean that I don't resist the urge to smack you upside the head or crack your jaw in two places. You wanna be idiots and try to play mind games? Go ahead. Just remember, the simplistic brute solution of smashing that which we don't understand/comprehend has been around since the dawn of life itself, and it works pretty damn good. I understand that I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but trying to play mind games with me is like shooting a grizzly bear with a paintball gun. Entertaining for a bit until you're lying in a bloody heap that's barely recognizable as something even remotely human.
Let's move on, shall we?
Continuing from my previous point, I'm getting sick and tired of people who act like chihuahuas. All bark and no bite. You can puff yourself up and act all big and tough, but in reality, I can break you in more ways than one. You want to threaten me? You want to tell me you'll end me? You wanna try and tell me that you have a reputation? Shut your mouth, you cunt-sucking gutter whore.
You don't know what hell truly is, and the fact that you brag that you have power only shows the world that you are truly powerless, weak, scared, and unable to function unless someone fears you, which will most likely never happen unless you have a fucking gun to their head, etc.
I hate it when people try to tell me that they have a reputation, that people know them and that they hold power. Really? You hold a lot of power? Ok, then I'm going to kick the shit out of you and wait for the backlash in a lawn chair while sipping a nice frosty brew. You people make me sick. You talk the talk, but you could never walk the walk. There is a reason you're at the bottom of the food chain. It's because you haven't figured out how to survive on your own, how to truly live without the necessity of human contact. If I wanted to, I could leave right now without a trace and not look back. There are a few choice people I would miss, but I'd rather live alone without them than deal with your ration of shit and let them be dragged into it.
Stop being fake and claiming to know what you're talking about. You make yourself look like a complete idiot, especially when you try to argue with someone who knows what they're talking about. Plus, it only serves to fuel my belief and opinion of who you truly are as a person. If I don't like you, don't try to win my favor. There's obviously a good reason I don't like you, and that won't change anytime soon, so stop trying so damn hard. If I feel like making a move to open a line of communication because I feel a friendship could possibly work, then I will do so in my own damn time. Stop trying to force to me like someone I obviously don't like, because that just makes you an enemy as well.
Normally, I could close this rant with a good, well-thought conclusion and be done with the whole deal. Problem is, I'm too pissed off to want to write a conclusion at the moment. Hell, I'd rather just leave it open ended so I could finish it later when I have more shit to rant about, but I hate doing that, so I'll save that shit for another rant.
That being said, fuck all of you that I listed in here. I'm not tagging you because I refuse to target you. When I get pissed enough to call you out in public, I wish you luck, because I fucking can't wait to break you like the little bitch you are.
Topics to be covered in my next rant: betrayal, change, bigots, cheating women, and the evil that is guns.
Skinhead Dan
First on the list is women. Not all women, of course. I won't make that kind of blanket statement, especially when I know that not everyone is guilty. So, if you feel like this applies to you, it probably does. Otherwise, just ignore it.
Now, ladies, I understand that you want equality, to be treated as equals, and to be able to do everything that a man can do. I fully support you in that, and will be behind every step of the way. However... MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS. You want me to be a gentleman? Ok, I will be, but don't make a big deal out of it and double-cross me by saying that I'm a chauvinist. Just because I go out of my way to do something that has been instilled in me since birth doesn't make me a bad person. If anything, it should be showing you that I truly do appreciate your contribution to our society, and that I respect you enough to treat you civilly and not smoothly maneuver my way into your undergarments. If I was really all about the sex, then I wouldn't treat you with respect and dignity. I'd probably just be a douchebag. But, I have standards, morals, and a sense of honor, and I don't. So, please stop assuming that I just want to fuck your pussy and nothing more. I do want to be just a friend, and sometimes I do wanna be more. Learn to read body language, or don't talk.
Secondly, ladies, I would humbly request that you stop jerking us men around. Just because I have honor and morals does not mean that I don't resist the urge to smack you upside the head or crack your jaw in two places. You wanna be idiots and try to play mind games? Go ahead. Just remember, the simplistic brute solution of smashing that which we don't understand/comprehend has been around since the dawn of life itself, and it works pretty damn good. I understand that I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but trying to play mind games with me is like shooting a grizzly bear with a paintball gun. Entertaining for a bit until you're lying in a bloody heap that's barely recognizable as something even remotely human.
Let's move on, shall we?
Continuing from my previous point, I'm getting sick and tired of people who act like chihuahuas. All bark and no bite. You can puff yourself up and act all big and tough, but in reality, I can break you in more ways than one. You want to threaten me? You want to tell me you'll end me? You wanna try and tell me that you have a reputation? Shut your mouth, you cunt-sucking gutter whore.
You don't know what hell truly is, and the fact that you brag that you have power only shows the world that you are truly powerless, weak, scared, and unable to function unless someone fears you, which will most likely never happen unless you have a fucking gun to their head, etc.
I hate it when people try to tell me that they have a reputation, that people know them and that they hold power. Really? You hold a lot of power? Ok, then I'm going to kick the shit out of you and wait for the backlash in a lawn chair while sipping a nice frosty brew. You people make me sick. You talk the talk, but you could never walk the walk. There is a reason you're at the bottom of the food chain. It's because you haven't figured out how to survive on your own, how to truly live without the necessity of human contact. If I wanted to, I could leave right now without a trace and not look back. There are a few choice people I would miss, but I'd rather live alone without them than deal with your ration of shit and let them be dragged into it.
Stop being fake and claiming to know what you're talking about. You make yourself look like a complete idiot, especially when you try to argue with someone who knows what they're talking about. Plus, it only serves to fuel my belief and opinion of who you truly are as a person. If I don't like you, don't try to win my favor. There's obviously a good reason I don't like you, and that won't change anytime soon, so stop trying so damn hard. If I feel like making a move to open a line of communication because I feel a friendship could possibly work, then I will do so in my own damn time. Stop trying to force to me like someone I obviously don't like, because that just makes you an enemy as well.
Normally, I could close this rant with a good, well-thought conclusion and be done with the whole deal. Problem is, I'm too pissed off to want to write a conclusion at the moment. Hell, I'd rather just leave it open ended so I could finish it later when I have more shit to rant about, but I hate doing that, so I'll save that shit for another rant.
That being said, fuck all of you that I listed in here. I'm not tagging you because I refuse to target you. When I get pissed enough to call you out in public, I wish you luck, because I fucking can't wait to break you like the little bitch you are.
Topics to be covered in my next rant: betrayal, change, bigots, cheating women, and the evil that is guns.
Skinhead Dan
As the title suggests, this is a rant that is sure to offend most of you. However, I'm Skinhead Dan. The fact of the matter is, I really don't give a flying fuck if I offend you. Maybe it'll teach you little finger painters to stop being so politically correct, and to think outside your mom's box. Bastards.
Ok, first off, WOMEN. Seriously. I understand that you want equality, to be treated like men, paid like men, and be on the same level as men. I respect and support that whole heartedly. In fact, it's one of the more admirable qualities of your gender. However, what I've been realizing lately is that you don't want equality. No, you want to be given special treatment. Let me tell you something. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VAGINA AND SOME OVARIES. If I go into work and tell the guys about the great blowjob I got on Friday, or the amazing ass of the girl at the bar on Tuesday, it's not because I wanna be offensive. It's because that's what men talk about with each other. I'm pretty sure that if women were talking about the last cock that made them scream or how they got amazing oral, guys wouldn't get offended or uncomfortable. Seriously. You wanna be part of the male world, then I will treat you as I treat a fellow man. I will respect you, joke around with you, and treat you like anyone else, but the moment you file a harassment complaint or act like you're a princess over the rest of us male peons, I'll smack you upside the head.. JUST LIKE I WOULD A MAN.
Which leads into a little branch of something that really irritates me. Recently, a female friend of mine and I were discussing my morals and principles, and I said that I refuse to hit women based on the fact that most of them are weaker, smaller, and because I was raised to believe that hitting a woman out of anger is wrong. However, there have been a few women fucking with my life that I'm ready to hit. My female friend told me that I can't hit them, based on the fact that they are women. Hmmm.... A catch-22? No. Fuck that. If these women [who are radical feminists, by the way], want me to treat them as equals, then I will. But, this means that if they wanna play hard ball, then I will play hard ball back, and when they say, "You can't hit me. I'm a girl," I'm gonna haul off and knock them into next week. You want equality? You're gonna get it. You'll get the good, the bad, and the ugly. Deal with it, because I'm sick of being forced to give you special treatment.
Speaking of special treatment, Affirmative Action is the most racist fucking thing in the world. Now, before you say, "Oh noes! Skinhead Dan really is a neo-nazi!", let's get something straight. The definition of racism is committing a biased action based on the color of one's skin. Affirmative action is a biased action based on the color one's skin! If you can't make the connection here, seriously, you need to go lie down in traffic. I'm sick and tired of seeing people getting into college on an Affirmative Action scholarship, only to piss it away and fail out. I guess I just miss the days where your GPA got you into school and kept you there, not a racist scholarship. Hell, what's even worse is the fact that out of all the different minorities who use these scholarships, Native Americans are in the smallest percentage. You wanna know why? CAUSE THEY STOPPED FUCKING CARING A WHILE AGO. We screwed them over bad, and instead of whining and moaning about it, they just said, "Whatever. We'll take what we've got, and fucking enjoy it, and trick the white devils out of their money with our casinos." I like that. They're fucking us right back and BEING SMART ABOUT IT. Every other race whines so much, and the one who deserves to whine stays quiet to maintain dignity and respect. Good for them. I admire that.
Ok, I had a rant prepared for people in relationships, but honestly, I've ranted about it before and just heard the same old shit over and over, so fuck it. I will say, however, fuck goth kids. They've just gotten irritating as shit lately.
Peace
Love
Unity
Skinhead Dan
Ok, first off, WOMEN. Seriously. I understand that you want equality, to be treated like men, paid like men, and be on the same level as men. I respect and support that whole heartedly. In fact, it's one of the more admirable qualities of your gender. However, what I've been realizing lately is that you don't want equality. No, you want to be given special treatment. Let me tell you something. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VAGINA AND SOME OVARIES. If I go into work and tell the guys about the great blowjob I got on Friday, or the amazing ass of the girl at the bar on Tuesday, it's not because I wanna be offensive. It's because that's what men talk about with each other. I'm pretty sure that if women were talking about the last cock that made them scream or how they got amazing oral, guys wouldn't get offended or uncomfortable. Seriously. You wanna be part of the male world, then I will treat you as I treat a fellow man. I will respect you, joke around with you, and treat you like anyone else, but the moment you file a harassment complaint or act like you're a princess over the rest of us male peons, I'll smack you upside the head.. JUST LIKE I WOULD A MAN.
Which leads into a little branch of something that really irritates me. Recently, a female friend of mine and I were discussing my morals and principles, and I said that I refuse to hit women based on the fact that most of them are weaker, smaller, and because I was raised to believe that hitting a woman out of anger is wrong. However, there have been a few women fucking with my life that I'm ready to hit. My female friend told me that I can't hit them, based on the fact that they are women. Hmmm.... A catch-22? No. Fuck that. If these women [who are radical feminists, by the way], want me to treat them as equals, then I will. But, this means that if they wanna play hard ball, then I will play hard ball back, and when they say, "You can't hit me. I'm a girl," I'm gonna haul off and knock them into next week. You want equality? You're gonna get it. You'll get the good, the bad, and the ugly. Deal with it, because I'm sick of being forced to give you special treatment.
Speaking of special treatment, Affirmative Action is the most racist fucking thing in the world. Now, before you say, "Oh noes! Skinhead Dan really is a neo-nazi!", let's get something straight. The definition of racism is committing a biased action based on the color of one's skin. Affirmative action is a biased action based on the color one's skin! If you can't make the connection here, seriously, you need to go lie down in traffic. I'm sick and tired of seeing people getting into college on an Affirmative Action scholarship, only to piss it away and fail out. I guess I just miss the days where your GPA got you into school and kept you there, not a racist scholarship. Hell, what's even worse is the fact that out of all the different minorities who use these scholarships, Native Americans are in the smallest percentage. You wanna know why? CAUSE THEY STOPPED FUCKING CARING A WHILE AGO. We screwed them over bad, and instead of whining and moaning about it, they just said, "Whatever. We'll take what we've got, and fucking enjoy it, and trick the white devils out of their money with our casinos." I like that. They're fucking us right back and BEING SMART ABOUT IT. Every other race whines so much, and the one who deserves to whine stays quiet to maintain dignity and respect. Good for them. I admire that.
Ok, I had a rant prepared for people in relationships, but honestly, I've ranted about it before and just heard the same old shit over and over, so fuck it. I will say, however, fuck goth kids. They've just gotten irritating as shit lately.
Peace
Love
Unity
Skinhead Dan
I CAN'T GET BEHIND THAT!
Just look it up on YouTube, or download William Shatner's album Has Been. This track fucking rocks.
William Shatner/Henry Rollins
BILL: Let's go. Ready? From the top...
BILL: My favorite shows on TV have twelve minutes of advertising. I can't get behind that kind of time!
ROLLINS: Eat quickly. Drive faster. Make more money now! I can't get behind that.
BILL: My kids say: He said to me, and I'm like... and he's like... and she's like...
ROLLINS: It's all... He's all... She's all...
BILL: I can't get behind that kind of like, English!
BILL: That'll be six to eight weeks before delivery.
ROLLINS: The rising oceans, the warming temperatures!
BILL: The dying polar bears--no, tigers--in fifty years!
ROLLINS: Rising poison in the air and water!
BILL: I can't understand why the price of gas suddenly rises when oil goes up...
ROLLINS: ...but takes months to go down long after oil falls!
BILL: I can't get behind any of that!
BILL: I can't get behind the Gods, who are more vengeful, angry, and dangerous if you don't believe in them!
ROLLINS: Why can't all these Gods just get along? I mean, they're omnipotent and omnipresent, what's the problem?
BILL: What's the problem?
BILL: What about the men who say 'Do as I do. Believe in what I say, for your own good, or I'll kill you!' I can't get behind that!
ROLLINS: I can't get behind that! Everybody knows everything about all of us!
BILL: That's too much knowledge!
BOTH: I can't get behind that!
BILL: Yeah! And what about student drivers using my streets to learn? If you learn to play the drums you got to go to a studio! Go to a parking lot, for God's sake! Why are you jeopardizing my life? I can't get behind a student driver!
ROLLINS: I can't behind a driver who drives like a student driver! If you're going to drive an urban assault vehicle then get off the phone and keep your eyes on the road!
ROLLINS: Lifetime guarantee?
BILL: Who's lifetime? Not mine! I haven't that much time left. Let's make it yours. Everybody's got a longer life than me!
BILL: The leaf blowers, is there anything more futile?
ROLLINS: Car alarms.
BILL: Clap off.
ROLLINS: Clap on.
BILL: Spam.
ROLLINS: Size matters.
BILL: No, it doesn't!
ROLLINS: Yes, it does!
BILL: No, it doesn't.
ROLLINS: Yes, it does!
BILL: No, it doesn't!
ROLLINS: Yes, it does!
BILL: No, it doesn't! No, it doesn't!
ROLLINS: Yes, it does! Yes, it does!
BILL: My phone rings!
ROLLINS: Make millions in minutes!
BILL: It's a computer!
ROLLINS: Lose inches in hours!
BILL: Leave me the Hell alone!
ROLLINS: Eat more! Spend less!
BILL: The Colonel is breakdancing! Give me a break!
ROLLINS: Credit terms raised!
BILL: I can't get behind any of that!
BILL: I can't get behind so-called singers that can't carry a tune, get paid for talking, how easy is that? Well, maybe I could get behind that!
ROLLINS: Well, I can't! If you have to fix it with a computer: quantized, pitch corrected, and overly inspected, then you can't do it, and I can't get behind that!
BILL: I--can't--get behind--a fat ass!
ROLLINS: Yeah, Bill, can you turn around and do one more?
BILL: Always can do one more.
ROLLINS: Let's hit it!
William Shatner/Henry Rollins
BILL: Let's go. Ready? From the top...
BILL: My favorite shows on TV have twelve minutes of advertising. I can't get behind that kind of time!
ROLLINS: Eat quickly. Drive faster. Make more money now! I can't get behind that.
BILL: My kids say: He said to me, and I'm like... and he's like... and she's like...
ROLLINS: It's all... He's all... She's all...
BILL: I can't get behind that kind of like, English!
BILL: That'll be six to eight weeks before delivery.
ROLLINS: The rising oceans, the warming temperatures!
BILL: The dying polar bears--no, tigers--in fifty years!
ROLLINS: Rising poison in the air and water!
BILL: I can't understand why the price of gas suddenly rises when oil goes up...
ROLLINS: ...but takes months to go down long after oil falls!
BILL: I can't get behind any of that!
BILL: I can't get behind the Gods, who are more vengeful, angry, and dangerous if you don't believe in them!
ROLLINS: Why can't all these Gods just get along? I mean, they're omnipotent and omnipresent, what's the problem?
BILL: What's the problem?
BILL: What about the men who say 'Do as I do. Believe in what I say, for your own good, or I'll kill you!' I can't get behind that!
ROLLINS: I can't get behind that! Everybody knows everything about all of us!
BILL: That's too much knowledge!
BOTH: I can't get behind that!
BILL: Yeah! And what about student drivers using my streets to learn? If you learn to play the drums you got to go to a studio! Go to a parking lot, for God's sake! Why are you jeopardizing my life? I can't get behind a student driver!
ROLLINS: I can't behind a driver who drives like a student driver! If you're going to drive an urban assault vehicle then get off the phone and keep your eyes on the road!
ROLLINS: Lifetime guarantee?
BILL: Who's lifetime? Not mine! I haven't that much time left. Let's make it yours. Everybody's got a longer life than me!
BILL: The leaf blowers, is there anything more futile?
ROLLINS: Car alarms.
BILL: Clap off.
ROLLINS: Clap on.
BILL: Spam.
ROLLINS: Size matters.
BILL: No, it doesn't!
ROLLINS: Yes, it does!
BILL: No, it doesn't.
ROLLINS: Yes, it does!
BILL: No, it doesn't!
ROLLINS: Yes, it does!
BILL: No, it doesn't! No, it doesn't!
ROLLINS: Yes, it does! Yes, it does!
BILL: My phone rings!
ROLLINS: Make millions in minutes!
BILL: It's a computer!
ROLLINS: Lose inches in hours!
BILL: Leave me the Hell alone!
ROLLINS: Eat more! Spend less!
BILL: The Colonel is breakdancing! Give me a break!
ROLLINS: Credit terms raised!
BILL: I can't get behind any of that!
BILL: I can't get behind so-called singers that can't carry a tune, get paid for talking, how easy is that? Well, maybe I could get behind that!
ROLLINS: Well, I can't! If you have to fix it with a computer: quantized, pitch corrected, and overly inspected, then you can't do it, and I can't get behind that!
BILL: I--can't--get behind--a fat ass!
ROLLINS: Yeah, Bill, can you turn around and do one more?
BILL: Always can do one more.
ROLLINS: Let's hit it!
Ok, first off, the normal rules of my rants apply. If you get irritated, upset, offended, depressed, angry, enraged, and any other emotion that isn't considered good... Go fuck yourself. I don't like you, I don't pretend to like you, and if this rant makes you go back and rethink your life, good. You probably needed to anyways.
Ok, first on my list is hipsters. Seriously. I really hate all of you, and I hope most of you burn in hell, because the few that I like are kinda like a Republican homosexual: very rare, and entertaining as hell to meet. But, my hatred for you is not unfounded.
See, you guys really irritate the hell out of me. First off, stop with the whole vintage bullshit. Just because something is vintage does not make it attractive, cool, trendy, or make you seem smarter/more socially acceptable. In all honesty, it makes you look like you're a little kid that wants to look older so they can buy booze. Same with the hairstyles. You're all turning into just a happier version of emo. Stole the swoop thing, the horrible beards, and girls? Leave the pompadours to the psychobillies. It looks much better on them.
Next, I want to address your music. I keep getting mixes or song recommendations from my friends with the promise that "this music is rad! It'll change your life! It'll make you think in a whole new way!" Bullshit. Most of it is barely understandable vocals, badly distorted guitar riffs that are amateur at best, and a complete lack of rhythm that makes me want to chop my dick off and feed it to a wolverine. THAT'S NOT MUSIC. It sounds like a bunch of squirrels and chimps on acid, PCP, meth, and crack cocaine got loose in a recording studio and went to town. If I wanted to hear this music in a public setting, I'd give a hobo a guitar and a bottle of Night Train and tell him to start singing. Your hipster bullshit is really starting to wear thin, and I'm not kidding when I say that if you were on the endangered species list, I'd do my part to push you a little closer to extinction.
You know what the sad thing is, hipster kids? I like hippies more than I like you, and Raptor Jesus knows how much I hate the goddamned dirty worthless hippies. At least the original hippies stood for something and tried to do their part to make a difference. That's why out of all the different subcultures there are, I hate you above all else. You don't stand for anything. You either bitch about being misunderstood and end up being the semi-happy version of emo, or you monopolize coffee shops, hookah bars, and any other place that I like because it's the new, non-corporate place to be. Do me a favor. Go back to being so hip that you listen to bands that don't exist yet, drink some coffee laced with cyanide, and get the hell out of my face before I decide to just beat you all to death with your retarded fanny packs.
Next on my list of things to rant about are the people who seem to think they can save me from myself. NEWS FLASH: You can't. I don't want to be saved. I like where I am at the moment, and I'm pretty damn happy with it. Stop telling me that I need to quit drinking. I'm not going to listen. In fact, I'm going to drink more because you're telling me not to. In case you haven't seen the tattoo on my back, it says MY LIFE TO LIVE. I'd like to trust you all enough to be confident in assuming that you can all understand what that means, but I really don't have that much faith in you. IT MEANS THAT IT IS MY LIFE TO LIVE AND NOT YOURS. When I want your goddamned opinion, I'll fucking give it to you. Just because you're older than me does not necessarily mean you are wiser. If you're younger than me, that doesn't mean that you don't have the experience that comes with age. You may have that, and I respect that. However, no one here leads the same life, so if you have advice that I deem fit to be taken into account, I'll ask you for it. Most of you don't have that, and most of you are just fucking stuck in the same mode you were accustomed to in high school. Hell, I've met so many people at ECC that try to act their age and fail horribly at it, and that's just downright sad, really. Seriously, shut the fuck up and stop telling me what to do. For some of you, I understand that somewhat makes me a bit of a hypocrite, but I only say the things that I've said because I don't want you to walk the same roads I have. If I can spare you that heartbreak, I'm gonna do my best to make sure that I can steer you clear of that area.
Another thing that has been starting to annoy me is people not shutting the fuck up about the problems that they've caused for themselves. If you're pregnant, then you're the dumbass who should have made the dude you were banging wear a condom, or at least been on some form of birth control. Don't bitch about how much it sucks. It's your own fault. If your life is falling to shit because you've said or done something dumb, then accept the consequences of your actions, apologize where it's needed, and try to move forward. Living in the past won't get you anywhere. It took me a while to figure that one out. [Here's where I get hypocritical, but I have my reasons.] If you really care about someone and want to be with them, don't hide how you feel. Be fucking honest. The worst that can happen is that they won't return the feelings, and in that case, it is possible to just be friends. I know. I've done it, and I know others who have done it as well.
Also, people in unions that don't matter? Stop coming up to me and calling me a scab for not working in a union, or working for a company that is non-union when other companies like it are. If you're in the Jewel union, WOW. You really don't have the right to criticize anyone. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for unions. I support them 100%. If you're in a manual labor union, you're still part of a group that stands for something, and I'll back you any day of the week because you're doing the shit work that no one else has the balls to do. However, if you're not in that kind of union, SHUT UP. I don't need you telling me where I can and cannot work, so PISS OFF.
Lastly are the people who keep coming up to me and asking me if I've read the Twilight series. I'm likening that experience to when I first read Harry Potter. I liked the first book because I was in 6th grade when it came out, but after the second, I realized just how much JK Rowling really sucked as an author. Like an idiot though, I kept reading because I thought that maybe, just maybe, the series would get better. It didn't. When the final book came out, I drew up about 500 bright orange flyers with all the spoilers written on them and set them outside various bookstores in my town. I plan on doing the same for Twilight, et al. I've read the first three, and just got a hold of the fourth. I'm not looking forward to reading it at all, and here's why. These books read like the diary of a high school - aged goth/emo chick's diary while she's on her period and taking acid. Seriously. It drips so much angst that I have to go out and kill three hobos, lynch at least four separate minorities, and burn a church just to get myself back to a feeling of calm normalcy. The two main characters, Bella and Edward, make their plight so much harder and complicated than it really is, just like most women I've dated. Seriously. Life is not a fucking fairy tale with a knight in shining armor who rescues you from the dragon and then whisks you away to his castle so you can orgasm all over his foot-long cock. That's a fantasy. Vampires are not real. Accept it and move on with your life.
That's all I've got for now. You people are the reason I drink, and that's exactly what I'm gonna go do. Night Train and Guinness, here I come!
All that being said, if this offended you, feel free to suck my Scottish dick.
Ok, first on my list is hipsters. Seriously. I really hate all of you, and I hope most of you burn in hell, because the few that I like are kinda like a Republican homosexual: very rare, and entertaining as hell to meet. But, my hatred for you is not unfounded.
See, you guys really irritate the hell out of me. First off, stop with the whole vintage bullshit. Just because something is vintage does not make it attractive, cool, trendy, or make you seem smarter/more socially acceptable. In all honesty, it makes you look like you're a little kid that wants to look older so they can buy booze. Same with the hairstyles. You're all turning into just a happier version of emo. Stole the swoop thing, the horrible beards, and girls? Leave the pompadours to the psychobillies. It looks much better on them.
Next, I want to address your music. I keep getting mixes or song recommendations from my friends with the promise that "this music is rad! It'll change your life! It'll make you think in a whole new way!" Bullshit. Most of it is barely understandable vocals, badly distorted guitar riffs that are amateur at best, and a complete lack of rhythm that makes me want to chop my dick off and feed it to a wolverine. THAT'S NOT MUSIC. It sounds like a bunch of squirrels and chimps on acid, PCP, meth, and crack cocaine got loose in a recording studio and went to town. If I wanted to hear this music in a public setting, I'd give a hobo a guitar and a bottle of Night Train and tell him to start singing. Your hipster bullshit is really starting to wear thin, and I'm not kidding when I say that if you were on the endangered species list, I'd do my part to push you a little closer to extinction.
You know what the sad thing is, hipster kids? I like hippies more than I like you, and Raptor Jesus knows how much I hate the goddamned dirty worthless hippies. At least the original hippies stood for something and tried to do their part to make a difference. That's why out of all the different subcultures there are, I hate you above all else. You don't stand for anything. You either bitch about being misunderstood and end up being the semi-happy version of emo, or you monopolize coffee shops, hookah bars, and any other place that I like because it's the new, non-corporate place to be. Do me a favor. Go back to being so hip that you listen to bands that don't exist yet, drink some coffee laced with cyanide, and get the hell out of my face before I decide to just beat you all to death with your retarded fanny packs.
Next on my list of things to rant about are the people who seem to think they can save me from myself. NEWS FLASH: You can't. I don't want to be saved. I like where I am at the moment, and I'm pretty damn happy with it. Stop telling me that I need to quit drinking. I'm not going to listen. In fact, I'm going to drink more because you're telling me not to. In case you haven't seen the tattoo on my back, it says MY LIFE TO LIVE. I'd like to trust you all enough to be confident in assuming that you can all understand what that means, but I really don't have that much faith in you. IT MEANS THAT IT IS MY LIFE TO LIVE AND NOT YOURS. When I want your goddamned opinion, I'll fucking give it to you. Just because you're older than me does not necessarily mean you are wiser. If you're younger than me, that doesn't mean that you don't have the experience that comes with age. You may have that, and I respect that. However, no one here leads the same life, so if you have advice that I deem fit to be taken into account, I'll ask you for it. Most of you don't have that, and most of you are just fucking stuck in the same mode you were accustomed to in high school. Hell, I've met so many people at ECC that try to act their age and fail horribly at it, and that's just downright sad, really. Seriously, shut the fuck up and stop telling me what to do. For some of you, I understand that somewhat makes me a bit of a hypocrite, but I only say the things that I've said because I don't want you to walk the same roads I have. If I can spare you that heartbreak, I'm gonna do my best to make sure that I can steer you clear of that area.
Another thing that has been starting to annoy me is people not shutting the fuck up about the problems that they've caused for themselves. If you're pregnant, then you're the dumbass who should have made the dude you were banging wear a condom, or at least been on some form of birth control. Don't bitch about how much it sucks. It's your own fault. If your life is falling to shit because you've said or done something dumb, then accept the consequences of your actions, apologize where it's needed, and try to move forward. Living in the past won't get you anywhere. It took me a while to figure that one out. [Here's where I get hypocritical, but I have my reasons.] If you really care about someone and want to be with them, don't hide how you feel. Be fucking honest. The worst that can happen is that they won't return the feelings, and in that case, it is possible to just be friends. I know. I've done it, and I know others who have done it as well.
Also, people in unions that don't matter? Stop coming up to me and calling me a scab for not working in a union, or working for a company that is non-union when other companies like it are. If you're in the Jewel union, WOW. You really don't have the right to criticize anyone. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for unions. I support them 100%. If you're in a manual labor union, you're still part of a group that stands for something, and I'll back you any day of the week because you're doing the shit work that no one else has the balls to do. However, if you're not in that kind of union, SHUT UP. I don't need you telling me where I can and cannot work, so PISS OFF.
Lastly are the people who keep coming up to me and asking me if I've read the Twilight series. I'm likening that experience to when I first read Harry Potter. I liked the first book because I was in 6th grade when it came out, but after the second, I realized just how much JK Rowling really sucked as an author. Like an idiot though, I kept reading because I thought that maybe, just maybe, the series would get better. It didn't. When the final book came out, I drew up about 500 bright orange flyers with all the spoilers written on them and set them outside various bookstores in my town. I plan on doing the same for Twilight, et al. I've read the first three, and just got a hold of the fourth. I'm not looking forward to reading it at all, and here's why. These books read like the diary of a high school - aged goth/emo chick's diary while she's on her period and taking acid. Seriously. It drips so much angst that I have to go out and kill three hobos, lynch at least four separate minorities, and burn a church just to get myself back to a feeling of calm normalcy. The two main characters, Bella and Edward, make their plight so much harder and complicated than it really is, just like most women I've dated. Seriously. Life is not a fucking fairy tale with a knight in shining armor who rescues you from the dragon and then whisks you away to his castle so you can orgasm all over his foot-long cock. That's a fantasy. Vampires are not real. Accept it and move on with your life.
That's all I've got for now. You people are the reason I drink, and that's exactly what I'm gonna go do. Night Train and Guinness, here I come!
All that being said, if this offended you, feel free to suck my Scottish dick.
The Bottle
Ok, so I said I wouldn't post any poetry or songs here, but this one is just too good to resist. I actually wrote this while drunk, and I think it's a very good representation of my relationship with alcohol.
Sing to me, old friend
Sing me the songs of a time long past
A time where happy memories
Flowed as freely as your lies do now
Tell me what I want to hear
Let my troubles disappear
It's only temporary
But hell
Who I am to complain?
We sing sweet laments in the darkness of the night
Fighting for our chance to speak
Trying to convince each other
That the other one is right
But it's a fight we'll never win
You give me courage that I don't have
I show you love that no one else can
You tell me what I want to hear
And I listen
Because it's a lover's caress
A soft touch
Glowing
Like a virgin kneeling before a taper
Pristine
Pure
We live evil
We are where evil lives
And we are still just casualties of war
Waiting in the infirmary of self-inflicted purgatory
Just trying to keep an even keel
There is no pain
There is no pleasure
There is only the siren song you sing
And the wavering voice I answer with
We'll meet again tonight
Embrace as only lovers can
And by morning
You'll be gone
So I'll be waiting once again
Come back to me, lover
I've more sweet nothings to whisper in your ear
Tell me all the things I want to hear
And promise me you'll never leave
Because it's a promise you can never break
And a promise that you always make
I'll make love to you with a voice as deep as night
So should I die before I wake
Kiss me one last time
So I know that you'll be the one my soul will take
And should I wake before I start to die
Marry me
And rescue me with your smile
Sing to me, old friend
Sing me the songs of a time long past
A time where happy memories
Flowed as freely as your lies do now
Tell me what I want to hear
Let my troubles disappear
It's only temporary
But hell
Who I am to complain?
We sing sweet laments in the darkness of the night
Fighting for our chance to speak
Trying to convince each other
That the other one is right
But it's a fight we'll never win
You give me courage that I don't have
I show you love that no one else can
You tell me what I want to hear
And I listen
Because it's a lover's caress
A soft touch
Glowing
Like a virgin kneeling before a taper
Pristine
Pure
We live evil
We are where evil lives
And we are still just casualties of war
Waiting in the infirmary of self-inflicted purgatory
Just trying to keep an even keel
There is no pain
There is no pleasure
There is only the siren song you sing
And the wavering voice I answer with
We'll meet again tonight
Embrace as only lovers can
And by morning
You'll be gone
So I'll be waiting once again
Come back to me, lover
I've more sweet nothings to whisper in your ear
Tell me all the things I want to hear
And promise me you'll never leave
Because it's a promise you can never break
And a promise that you always make
I'll make love to you with a voice as deep as night
So should I die before I wake
Kiss me one last time
So I know that you'll be the one my soul will take
And should I wake before I start to die
Marry me
And rescue me with your smile
Thirsty & Worthless - A Review
When it comes to local bands, I tend to be very skeptical, and harshly critical of just about everything they do. From the way they perform onstage, to their interactions with their audience, and even of how they treat their fan base. There aren't too many local bands out there that I can honestly say have fulfilled all of my criteria, but out of the few that have, one stands above the rest.
Sleeping Under 47, out of DeKalb, have officially revitalized my faith in the Chicago punk scene. Their newest album, Thirsty and Worthless, was officially released on July 16th. From the outskirts of nowhere, Illinois, this foursome of punk rock have come together to finally bring back a bit of the fury, fight, and fucked up fun to punk rock.
Lead guitarist and vocalist Zak 47 brings forth snarling vocals and catchy hooks that sink into the temporal lobe to incubate, only to incubate and then hatch into a song that lodges itself into your brain, causing you to hum along without even knowing the words. With a steady drum beat and smooth bass line provided by Chet and Big Pat, this is music perfectly suited for any bar, pub, or dive that the less than savory members of society would inhabit. The choruses are perfectly crafted for any drunkard to chant along over their tear-filled beer, and, if you can keep up with the verses, may or may not lead to an existential crisis.
With an unbiased view of the album as a musical critic, I give it a 5 out of 5. Make sure you visit their website and order your copy today!
www.myspace.com/sleepingunder47
Sleeping Under 47, out of DeKalb, have officially revitalized my faith in the Chicago punk scene. Their newest album, Thirsty and Worthless, was officially released on July 16th. From the outskirts of nowhere, Illinois, this foursome of punk rock have come together to finally bring back a bit of the fury, fight, and fucked up fun to punk rock.
Lead guitarist and vocalist Zak 47 brings forth snarling vocals and catchy hooks that sink into the temporal lobe to incubate, only to incubate and then hatch into a song that lodges itself into your brain, causing you to hum along without even knowing the words. With a steady drum beat and smooth bass line provided by Chet and Big Pat, this is music perfectly suited for any bar, pub, or dive that the less than savory members of society would inhabit. The choruses are perfectly crafted for any drunkard to chant along over their tear-filled beer, and, if you can keep up with the verses, may or may not lead to an existential crisis.
With an unbiased view of the album as a musical critic, I give it a 5 out of 5. Make sure you visit their website and order your copy today!
www.myspace.com/sleepingunder47
www.sleepingunder47.com
Nature: A Definition
What is nature? In the simplest of terms, nature is exactly what you make it. Nature can be out in the Badlands of South Dakota, Michigan Avenue in Chicago, the Boundary Waters of Minnesota, or Times Square in New York City. From a single tree planted on the sidewalk to the vast forests that cover parts of the country, nature is everywhere. It’s inside every single life form on this planet. Hell, we’re not too different from animals, even though we like to pretend we are. What happens when a dog or cat senses something it doesn’t like? The hair on its back and neck stand up. Does not the same thing happen to humans?
I think of nature and of human nature, and how they relate to one another, and see many things within humans that I see within nature as well. It’s almost scary, to be honest. However, human nature, and nature itself, have some very different practices. Kathleen Moore states, “Our temptation is to design arrogant policies and make dubious decisions, and then we end up doing up doing to the natural world what ticks do to us, except that ticks have the good grace to drop off when their stomachs are full.” Sadly, her words ring forth with the chimes of beautiful, brutal honesty. In nature, we see harmony, balance, symbiosis, and natural solutions to any problems within the balance. Somehow, humans messed up along the way. Moore sums up fairly well by saying, “Shit happens, we say. And sometimes it does. But the fact of the matter is that sometimes, shit doesn’t just happen. Sometimes, human beings deliberately create the conditions under which shit is more likely to occur.” Nature always finds a way. It takes humans a little longer and a bit more heartache to figure that lesson out.
Nature is not just a physical state of the world, nor is it an almighty entity that laughs at our frail human mortality. Nature is a powerful force, capable of sustaining fragile lives one minute and sending the strongest of creatures to their deaths in the next. Nature has a way of knowing when it’s been hurt, when to heal its wounds, and when to reclaim what rightfully belongs to it. In The Pine Island Paradox, Moore relates a story about how she and her husband pay to have a dam on their property demolished, only to find that the demolition did more harm than good. They set out to finish the job themselves, and at first, the Marys River sluggishly reacts. However, when she reflects on it ten years later, Nature has healed itself and found a way to make things work. She does state that “an earth that is at once functionally forgiving and thunderously vengeful raises all the familiar questions of redemption and remorse. When it comes to the earth, can there be redemption in good works?” Yes, there can be redemption, and there almost always is.
Another person who seems to understand this balance that I keep getting on about is Scott Russell Sanders. In Sanctuary, he states, “From the clustering of galaxies to the spinning of quarks, we find an intricate order whose laws we may decipher but cannot alter.” Humans always tell tales of ‘blazing trails into the untamed wilderness’ and brag about their apparently ability to domesticate nature, but they seem to enjoy living in their blissful ignorance. We can shape the land to fit our needs. We can make trails and portages, farmlands, and cities, but if we left it alone for an extended period of time, Nature would come back to claim what rightfully belongs to it. As I stated before, Nature is not a dog or an ox, a creature that can be tamed and forced to bend to the will of man. Nature is a wild beast, and will not hesitate to lash out and attack when we go too far.
So, what is nature? Do I actually have a good final summation, an answer that you’ll actually like? Probably not, but I can try. Thoreau says that humans need wildness like a garden needs nourishing muck in order to flourish, and I can agree. We live in symbiosis with nature, constantly playing off of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We are also constantly engaged in a fierce battle for dominance with each other, constantly trying to outdo the opposing force in a futile attempt to reign supreme over them with an air of triumph and false hope that the victor shall stay dominant in this relationship. But, inevitably, there will be another challenge, and the fight will begin anew, and will stay that way until one side finally wipes the other out and condemns itself in the process.
Nature is everything that shapes our world. Be it a tiny mouse in the walls of an apartment building or a mammoth blue whale swimming in the open oceans, Nature is everywhere. It is everything that we want to be, and everything that we are. It lives, dies, and is reborn constantly. It is a vicious circle, and a circle of life. You ask, what is nature? I say, decide for yourself.
I think of nature and of human nature, and how they relate to one another, and see many things within humans that I see within nature as well. It’s almost scary, to be honest. However, human nature, and nature itself, have some very different practices. Kathleen Moore states, “Our temptation is to design arrogant policies and make dubious decisions, and then we end up doing up doing to the natural world what ticks do to us, except that ticks have the good grace to drop off when their stomachs are full.” Sadly, her words ring forth with the chimes of beautiful, brutal honesty. In nature, we see harmony, balance, symbiosis, and natural solutions to any problems within the balance. Somehow, humans messed up along the way. Moore sums up fairly well by saying, “Shit happens, we say. And sometimes it does. But the fact of the matter is that sometimes, shit doesn’t just happen. Sometimes, human beings deliberately create the conditions under which shit is more likely to occur.” Nature always finds a way. It takes humans a little longer and a bit more heartache to figure that lesson out.
Nature is not just a physical state of the world, nor is it an almighty entity that laughs at our frail human mortality. Nature is a powerful force, capable of sustaining fragile lives one minute and sending the strongest of creatures to their deaths in the next. Nature has a way of knowing when it’s been hurt, when to heal its wounds, and when to reclaim what rightfully belongs to it. In The Pine Island Paradox, Moore relates a story about how she and her husband pay to have a dam on their property demolished, only to find that the demolition did more harm than good. They set out to finish the job themselves, and at first, the Marys River sluggishly reacts. However, when she reflects on it ten years later, Nature has healed itself and found a way to make things work. She does state that “an earth that is at once functionally forgiving and thunderously vengeful raises all the familiar questions of redemption and remorse. When it comes to the earth, can there be redemption in good works?” Yes, there can be redemption, and there almost always is.
Another person who seems to understand this balance that I keep getting on about is Scott Russell Sanders. In Sanctuary, he states, “From the clustering of galaxies to the spinning of quarks, we find an intricate order whose laws we may decipher but cannot alter.” Humans always tell tales of ‘blazing trails into the untamed wilderness’ and brag about their apparently ability to domesticate nature, but they seem to enjoy living in their blissful ignorance. We can shape the land to fit our needs. We can make trails and portages, farmlands, and cities, but if we left it alone for an extended period of time, Nature would come back to claim what rightfully belongs to it. As I stated before, Nature is not a dog or an ox, a creature that can be tamed and forced to bend to the will of man. Nature is a wild beast, and will not hesitate to lash out and attack when we go too far.
So, what is nature? Do I actually have a good final summation, an answer that you’ll actually like? Probably not, but I can try. Thoreau says that humans need wildness like a garden needs nourishing muck in order to flourish, and I can agree. We live in symbiosis with nature, constantly playing off of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We are also constantly engaged in a fierce battle for dominance with each other, constantly trying to outdo the opposing force in a futile attempt to reign supreme over them with an air of triumph and false hope that the victor shall stay dominant in this relationship. But, inevitably, there will be another challenge, and the fight will begin anew, and will stay that way until one side finally wipes the other out and condemns itself in the process.
Nature is everything that shapes our world. Be it a tiny mouse in the walls of an apartment building or a mammoth blue whale swimming in the open oceans, Nature is everywhere. It is everything that we want to be, and everything that we are. It lives, dies, and is reborn constantly. It is a vicious circle, and a circle of life. You ask, what is nature? I say, decide for yourself.
The Vagina, and why it sucks - An Essay
Why men hate the vagina
By Dan Postlewaite
The vagina. Out of the many different parts of the female anatomy, this is the one spot that brings men pleasure. It's fun to look at, fun to touch, fun to... Well, you get my drift. But, it constantly foils our attempts to slake our carnal lust by doing very bad, naughty, no-no things.
First of, every man (and woman's) nightmare: the "time of the month." For women, it means pain, bloating, bleeding, violent mood swings, stupid cravings and surging hormones. That is bad, and I wholeheartedly sympathize with them. It really must suck, bleeding for five days and not dying from it. I bleed for two hours and I pray for death. But, it makes for a great excuse to get out of having to fuck your significant other, which is why most men despise it. Bad vagina. NO BLEEDY!
For men, the "time of the month" is 5 - 7 days of hell. In this time, we are verbally abused and forced to confer with our good friend Palmela Anderson for sexual comfort. We are also forced to be extremely careful in what we say, because, if caution is ignored, physical and verbal abuse, coupled with a nasty-break-up, can occur. Seriously girls, if you expect us to suffer through your time of vaginal bleeding, you'd better be giving good head or cooking us some damn good food, because to be honest, you are the biggest bitches when you're on the rag. Seriously, take your Midol, and Pamprin, and all that other shit that you need, grind it up, snort it, smoke it, inject it, I don't care. Just be nice to us, cause these dicks don't stay around when you make us frown. Fuckers.
Another downside to this most exquisite of sexual organs is the girls who are too scummy to take care of themselves down there. I have finally encountered such a creature. I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is terrifying. The limits of my bravery were tested when the doors to her bedroom shut, and I can honestly say that if not wanting to get anywhere near that evil cunt is cowardly, then I will gladly call myself the biggest pussy on Earth. Jesus, for the love of fuck's sake ladies, fucking shower! I mean, Jesus, it's not hard! Turn on the water, get out your loofah, apply soap to said loofah, and scrub away like you're trying to erase the stench of failure. FUCK! Seriously, girls are sometimes even grosser than guys are, and that's saying a lot.
Last, but not least, is the appearance of the vagina. While many women are going modern and shaving themselves bald in an effort to appear young and porn star-ish, some have avoided this to try and be like the hippy: au naturale. Au naturale is very bad. Do not go au naturale. If you decide to grow an asian afro in your pants, do not expect to get any oral pleasure. While we men understand that you don't like hair down there either, we have to keep a little bit, as to avoid derogatory remarks pertaining to homosexuality and trying to seem bigger. We try to keep ours trimmed for you, so we expect the favor returned. Plus, I really don't think any lady would enjoy kissing a man with hair in his teeth.
Moral of the story is: Take Midol, take showers and shave like a Russian man should shave his back.
By Dan Postlewaite
The vagina. Out of the many different parts of the female anatomy, this is the one spot that brings men pleasure. It's fun to look at, fun to touch, fun to... Well, you get my drift. But, it constantly foils our attempts to slake our carnal lust by doing very bad, naughty, no-no things.
First of, every man (and woman's) nightmare: the "time of the month." For women, it means pain, bloating, bleeding, violent mood swings, stupid cravings and surging hormones. That is bad, and I wholeheartedly sympathize with them. It really must suck, bleeding for five days and not dying from it. I bleed for two hours and I pray for death. But, it makes for a great excuse to get out of having to fuck your significant other, which is why most men despise it. Bad vagina. NO BLEEDY!
For men, the "time of the month" is 5 - 7 days of hell. In this time, we are verbally abused and forced to confer with our good friend Palmela Anderson for sexual comfort. We are also forced to be extremely careful in what we say, because, if caution is ignored, physical and verbal abuse, coupled with a nasty-break-up, can occur. Seriously girls, if you expect us to suffer through your time of vaginal bleeding, you'd better be giving good head or cooking us some damn good food, because to be honest, you are the biggest bitches when you're on the rag. Seriously, take your Midol, and Pamprin, and all that other shit that you need, grind it up, snort it, smoke it, inject it, I don't care. Just be nice to us, cause these dicks don't stay around when you make us frown. Fuckers.
Another downside to this most exquisite of sexual organs is the girls who are too scummy to take care of themselves down there. I have finally encountered such a creature. I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is terrifying. The limits of my bravery were tested when the doors to her bedroom shut, and I can honestly say that if not wanting to get anywhere near that evil cunt is cowardly, then I will gladly call myself the biggest pussy on Earth. Jesus, for the love of fuck's sake ladies, fucking shower! I mean, Jesus, it's not hard! Turn on the water, get out your loofah, apply soap to said loofah, and scrub away like you're trying to erase the stench of failure. FUCK! Seriously, girls are sometimes even grosser than guys are, and that's saying a lot.
Last, but not least, is the appearance of the vagina. While many women are going modern and shaving themselves bald in an effort to appear young and porn star-ish, some have avoided this to try and be like the hippy: au naturale. Au naturale is very bad. Do not go au naturale. If you decide to grow an asian afro in your pants, do not expect to get any oral pleasure. While we men understand that you don't like hair down there either, we have to keep a little bit, as to avoid derogatory remarks pertaining to homosexuality and trying to seem bigger. We try to keep ours trimmed for you, so we expect the favor returned. Plus, I really don't think any lady would enjoy kissing a man with hair in his teeth.
Moral of the story is: Take Midol, take showers and shave like a Russian man should shave his back.
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