Ok, first off, the normal rules of my rants apply. If you get irritated, upset, offended, depressed, angry, enraged, and any other emotion that isn't considered good... Go fuck yourself. I don't like you, I don't pretend to like you, and if this rant makes you go back and rethink your life, good. You probably needed to anyways.

Ok, first on my list is hipsters. Seriously. I really hate all of you, and I hope most of you burn in hell, because the few that I like are kinda like a Republican homosexual: very rare, and entertaining as hell to meet. But, my hatred for you is not unfounded.

See, you guys really irritate the hell out of me. First off, stop with the whole vintage bullshit. Just because something is vintage does not make it attractive, cool, trendy, or make you seem smarter/more socially acceptable. In all honesty, it makes you look like you're a little kid that wants to look older so they can buy booze. Same with the hairstyles. You're all turning into just a happier version of emo. Stole the swoop thing, the horrible beards, and girls? Leave the pompadours to the psychobillies. It looks much better on them.

Next, I want to address your music. I keep getting mixes or song recommendations from my friends with the promise that "this music is rad! It'll change your life! It'll make you think in a whole new way!" Bullshit. Most of it is barely understandable vocals, badly distorted guitar riffs that are amateur at best, and a complete lack of rhythm that makes me want to chop my dick off and feed it to a wolverine. THAT'S NOT MUSIC. It sounds like a bunch of squirrels and chimps on acid, PCP, meth, and crack cocaine got loose in a recording studio and went to town. If I wanted to hear this music in a public setting, I'd give a hobo a guitar and a bottle of Night Train and tell him to start singing. Your hipster bullshit is really starting to wear thin, and I'm not kidding when I say that if you were on the endangered species list, I'd do my part to push you a little closer to extinction.

You know what the sad thing is, hipster kids? I like hippies more than I like you, and Raptor Jesus knows how much I hate the goddamned dirty worthless hippies. At least the original hippies stood for something and tried to do their part to make a difference. That's why out of all the different subcultures there are, I hate you above all else. You don't stand for anything. You either bitch about being misunderstood and end up being the semi-happy version of emo, or you monopolize coffee shops, hookah bars, and any other place that I like because it's the new, non-corporate place to be. Do me a favor. Go back to being so hip that you listen to bands that don't exist yet, drink some coffee laced with cyanide, and get the hell out of my face before I decide to just beat you all to death with your retarded fanny packs.

Next on my list of things to rant about are the people who seem to think they can save me from myself. NEWS FLASH: You can't. I don't want to be saved. I like where I am at the moment, and I'm pretty damn happy with it. Stop telling me that I need to quit drinking. I'm not going to listen. In fact, I'm going to drink more because you're telling me not to. In case you haven't seen the tattoo on my back, it says MY LIFE TO LIVE. I'd like to trust you all enough to be confident in assuming that you can all understand what that means, but I really don't have that much faith in you. IT MEANS THAT IT IS MY LIFE TO LIVE AND NOT YOURS. When I want your goddamned opinion, I'll fucking give it to you. Just because you're older than me does not necessarily mean you are wiser. If you're younger than me, that doesn't mean that you don't have the experience that comes with age. You may have that, and I respect that. However, no one here leads the same life, so if you have advice that I deem fit to be taken into account, I'll ask you for it. Most of you don't have that, and most of you are just fucking stuck in the same mode you were accustomed to in high school. Hell, I've met so many people at ECC that try to act their age and fail horribly at it, and that's just downright sad, really. Seriously, shut the fuck up and stop telling me what to do. For some of you, I understand that somewhat makes me a bit of a hypocrite, but I only say the things that I've said because I don't want you to walk the same roads I have. If I can spare you that heartbreak, I'm gonna do my best to make sure that I can steer you clear of that area.

Another thing that has been starting to annoy me is people not shutting the fuck up about the problems that they've caused for themselves. If you're pregnant, then you're the dumbass who should have made the dude you were banging wear a condom, or at least been on some form of birth control. Don't bitch about how much it sucks. It's your own fault. If your life is falling to shit because you've said or done something dumb, then accept the consequences of your actions, apologize where it's needed, and try to move forward. Living in the past won't get you anywhere. It took me a while to figure that one out. [Here's where I get hypocritical, but I have my reasons.] If you really care about someone and want to be with them, don't hide how you feel. Be fucking honest. The worst that can happen is that they won't return the feelings, and in that case, it is possible to just be friends. I know. I've done it, and I know others who have done it as well.

Also, people in unions that don't matter? Stop coming up to me and calling me a scab for not working in a union, or working for a company that is non-union when other companies like it are. If you're in the Jewel union, WOW. You really don't have the right to criticize anyone. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for unions. I support them 100%. If you're in a manual labor union, you're still part of a group that stands for something, and I'll back you any day of the week because you're doing the shit work that no one else has the balls to do. However, if you're not in that kind of union, SHUT UP. I don't need you telling me where I can and cannot work, so PISS OFF.

Lastly are the people who keep coming up to me and asking me if I've read the Twilight series. I'm likening that experience to when I first read Harry Potter. I liked the first book because I was in 6th grade when it came out, but after the second, I realized just how much JK Rowling really sucked as an author. Like an idiot though, I kept reading because I thought that maybe, just maybe, the series would get better. It didn't. When the final book came out, I drew up about 500 bright orange flyers with all the spoilers written on them and set them outside various bookstores in my town. I plan on doing the same for Twilight, et al. I've read the first three, and just got a hold of the fourth. I'm not looking forward to reading it at all, and here's why. These books read like the diary of a high school - aged goth/emo chick's diary while she's on her period and taking acid. Seriously. It drips so much angst that I have to go out and kill three hobos, lynch at least four separate minorities, and burn a church just to get myself back to a feeling of calm normalcy. The two main characters, Bella and Edward, make their plight so much harder and complicated than it really is, just like most women I've dated. Seriously. Life is not a fucking fairy tale with a knight in shining armor who rescues you from the dragon and then whisks you away to his castle so you can orgasm all over his foot-long cock. That's a fantasy. Vampires are not real. Accept it and move on with your life.

That's all I've got for now. You people are the reason I drink, and that's exactly what I'm gonna go do. Night Train and Guinness, here I come!

All that being said, if this offended you, feel free to suck my Scottish dick.